9 Reasons “Haute Couture” Sounds Like Someone Coughing Up a Loogey

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers, by Blythe Jewell

Dictionary.com’s definition of haute couture:

1. high fashion; the most fashionable and influential dressmaking and designing.
2. the fashions so created.
3. the leading dressmaking establishments in the world of fashion, considered collectively.

MY definition of haute couture:

1. huh?
2. what the– ?
3. really??!?

 Here’s why:

1. The Spiky Fan Thingy Outfit

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line 2010

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line 2010

 I totally wore this to work last week.  Felt really good about myself until the plant lady tried to water me.

2.  The Mexican Mariachi-Waitress Look

John Paul Gaultier, Spring Line 2010

John Paul Gaultier, Spring Line 2010

Excuse me, miss?  Miss?  I’m sorry, but our table is out of tortilla chips.  Would you mind tilting your head over this way?

 We also need more queso, when you have a chance.

3.  “Yun-Yun, Goddess of the Sun Dial” Outfit

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line, 2010

John Paul Gaultier, Women’s Spring Line, 2010

 Ohmygod, Yun Yun!  I just LOVE your outfit!  It really frames your face!

4.  The “Where’s the Ambien When You Need It?” Look

Valentino, Women’s Spring Line, 2010

Valentino, Women’s Spring Line, 2010

It had been a long night.  Plagued by nightmares, Mariana slept fitfully.  When her alarm went off the next morning, it was almost a relief.  Exhausted, she wrapped the pink, frilly bed sheets around herself and rolled out of bed.  There was no time for a shower or even to wash her face.  “Oh well,” she thought, as she glimpsed herself in the full-length mirror.  “I’ll just look really depressed and call it ‘high fashion.’  Besides, everyone will be so distracted by the fact that I have no boobs, they won’t even notice my eye bruises.”

5.  The 1960s B-Movie Wedding Ensemble

Chanel, Spring Line 2010

Chanel, Spring Line 2010

 There are a lot of things I could say about this couple.  I could accuse Adam Lambert of following Elton John’s lead – again – with his beard wedding.  I could ask why the bride appears to be wearing a bagel with cream cheese on her head.  I could mention Reynolds Wrap – a lot. 

But honestly, I’m just so distracted by this guy’s robot hands that I can’t think of anything else. 

6.  The “They Weren’t Hiring at Abercrombie” Look

Josephus Thimister, Men’s Spring Line 2010

Josephus Thimister, Men’s Spring Line 2010

 Because men’s hips don’t lie!

7.  The “Life of the Party” Look

Givenchy, Spring Line 2010

Givenchy, Spring Line 2010

 Pretty party dress?  Check.  Unnecessarily severe evening make-up? Check.  Enormous lampshade for head? Check. 

 Let’s get wasted!

8.  The “Hey! After the Apocalypse Let’s All Go Luge” Look

Alexander McQueen, Men’s Spring Line 2010

Alexander McQueen, Men’s Spring Line 2010

 I like to call this one simply:  “Shhhhhhhh.”

9.  Bonus “WTF?” Accessory

Valentino, Spring Line 2010

Valentino, Spring Line 2010

 Hey, wait!  Before you go!  Don’t forget your…

umm…

Hat?

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, full-time editor of incredibly boring government documents and totally underappreciated comic genius.  Her work hasn’t been featured anywhere important, which just means it’ll be worth more after she dies.
You can find her usually hilarious, sometimes serious, always off-color blog, The Bean, at
www.themusicalfruit.net.  

Comments

  1. Great job! Loved the hats ~ going shopping tonight! Congrats on your first of which I’m sure will be many, many more funny/not slutty articles. Although you’re good at slutty too!!!! smile

  2. C’est formidable! Que vos mots disent la verite…Bravo, ma petite!

  3. i am trying to picture me in those men’s outfits.

    Once i saw three models walking down the street in downtown LA and wondered how they could live, much less walk, with those non-bodies, and vowed never to attend a haute couture fashion show.

    Now i want to go.

    Thanks.

  4. Awesome as always, Beej. And for the record, it was my curtains not my bedsheets.

  5. Is it wrong that I would totally wear the sundial dress? It is, isn’t it?

  6. I don’t know, a guy wearing a shhhhh hat might be sort of refreshing. At least he would not be bragging about his travels and rental properties.

  7. Apryl's Antics says:

    Is it me or does the Josephus Thimister model look like he had some ribs removed? It’s probably just me.

    Also, Valentino has utterly inspired me to go dig through my wired ribbon bag.

  8. I love Gauthier. He’s completely derranged and gets away with pulling this crap off as style. Here’s a favorite of mine. I think it’s the hair and strategic bowtie placement that make this all win: http://www.thatshideous.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/mj-dress.jpg

  9. C’mon… you don’t LIKE that stuff?! I wore that gold lame suit to brunch just yesterday. I was adorable, natch. Everyone was tres jealous… plus, I made popcorn in the pockets when I stood in the sun juuuust soooo…

  10. Unlike a lot of these outfits, Shhhh Guy is on the go. He could be a hazardous materials worker, a bank robber, a performer in one of those weird art-house pieces. Kudos, I say. Kudos.

  11. Ummm. I didn’t see anything listed that I would wear. The closest thing was the guy with out a shirt on. I must not be hip to the current fashion. I think I am just a little bit simpler. However, they were intersting to look at.

  12. Well, I don’t know what to say. If you don’t get the Yun-Yun, Goddess of the Sun Dial” Outfit or already have one in your wardrobe, it’s entirely possible that you and I can never hang out.

  13. Wow, that is some serious runway crazy ass stuff. I love fashion, and then you go beyond fashion to the crazy ass stuff. Hey – I am getting married in a few months, do you think that shirtless waif look would be appropriate?

  14. Title of #8 made me snort latte! (Um, yuck.) The Ambien lady will give me nightmares. (WTH?)

    If all the back fluff was cut off of that Chanel gown, I would sorta like it. Hold the bagel though.

  15. The Apocalypse-Luge designer was Alexander McQueen….he killed himself this week……coincidence? I think not!! Just sayin’.

  16. I totally want a lamp shade hat for my birthday

    Also #6? The boy obviously has intestinal worms.

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