Top 10 Reasons Skinny Women Should Shut Up About Their Weight

 

vain skinny woman

Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Jacki Schklar and Blythe Jewell with a little help from Jessica Delfino.


The humiliating public debate over Gabourey Sidibe’s size has been rough to watch. Then this week a comedian had this status update — “just saw scary gym sighting in sauna that will scar me for life.”  Now, I’m assuming the “scary gym sighting” in question involved a sweaty, scantily clad person of size.  (If it was a situation involving unkempt pubes, however, that’s an entirely different post.)  Anyway, after that ANOTHER slender comedian said something about being “so glad she lost the extra 15 pounds so she is not fat anymore” which, (1) 15 pounds is NOT the boundary between fat and skinny – an extra 15 pounds just makes you a little more fluffed-up, if you ask me — and (2) Aren’t you supposed to be a comedian?  Am I supposed to laugh?  Oh, I AM?  I’m sorry! Here you go – AHHH HAHAHAHAA HA!  That’s HILARIOUS!   Ha ha, extra 15 pounds, ha ha hee hooooo!  I totally get it now.  My bad. 

So why are so many women engaging like this, and willingly exacerbating the problem?  Why can’t they just open a big can of SHUDDUP instead?  Maybe they need some incentives.  Let’s do a list, all Letterman-like…

TOP 10 REASONS SKINNY WOMEN SHOULD SHUT UP ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT  

10.  You sound like a moron

Men don’t care about the diameter of your whole, they only care about the diameter of your hole. And everybody knows that men like to watch women put things in their mouths.

9. You sound like a BORING moron

So your day is shot because you ate a Moon Pie instead of a Vitamuffin? RIVETING! Not.

8. We can hear you sounding like a boring moron

Fatties, despite popular opinion of the beautiful people, have working ears AND..hard to believe, but we can also READ!

7. You aren’t Oprah.  You’re just a boring moron

Oprah said she felt like a fat cow after recent weight gain. We did not like that either. But Oprah has empowered millions of women and built charitable institutions. You, however, are just a boring moron.

6. No one likes a bully. OR a boring moron

You are one of those people who are certain that “fat people just need to get off their lazy asses and go to the gym.” Then you happily mock and abuse them once they get there. The math equation for this is: Boring + Moron + Bully = Asshole

5. Okay, so you go to the gym, we get it. What do you want, a medal?

We would be really impressed with your health acumen and conditioning except everyone knows that skinny girls have more STD’s.

4. You’re confirming every shitty generalization men have ever made about women

Some boring moronic men said you are what you weigh and you said, “Hell, yeah! Pass me the scale and sign me up for the latest fad diet! Who needs to be interesting or have self esteem outside of their physical appearance, anyway?”

3. You’re part of the problem, not part of the solution

You woke up, looked in the mirror and said, “How can I both represent myself as a boring moron, AND contribute to the demoralization of all women kind?” And then you made it happen.

2. Anorexic Narcissists are SO last season

In the 90’s you could sit around in a coffee house and 7 of 8 of you would be anorexics. You would listen to the song C’est La Vie and discuss self induced barfing techniques. But it’s the new millennium now, honey. Now to be a boring self absorbed elitist you text message Facebook status updates about recycling dryer lint and becoming a Vegan. And you can shut up about that, too.

1. Men can think of other things to talk about, why can’t you?

Skinny men don’t ask, “Do I look fat?” in 101 ways all day just so that others will assure them they’re attractive. They talk about politics or film or technical innovation or news. Stuff that makes them interesting and dimensional. Try it sometime. You might just like the good taste of it, and it’s calorie free.

Comments

  1. I never understood this weight thing with Hollywood. You are either really really Calista Flockhart thin, of which everyone thinks you are anorexic, or “curvy” which leads most to think you need to “hit the gym”. There is no “Normal” weight in Hollywood because there is NO NORMAL there to begin with. I get around those who think I need to “hit the gym” by saying, “Don Imus is a vegan who is sick all the time…now, explain to ME how this lifestyle is “healthy”?, over a well done steak and salad. Funny article!!!

  2. You guys, are awesome. I complain about being fat all the time. And, I’m not fat, I have just gained some weight that I’m uncomfortable with. I need to keep all of these things in mind. Thank you!

  3. I’ll hang out with a shapely, brilliant woman of size over Don Imus any day.

    Wait. That’s not what you were saying. Right. I mean, I’ll take hanging out with a fascinating woman of (any) size over a boring vegan moron. Always. Vegans disgust me. (Mostly because, well, CHEESE. Hello, [moldy] lover.)

  4. Bless you.
    BlessYouBlessYouBlessYouBlessYouBlessYou.

    My faith is renewed after reading this: there IS intelligent life out there, afterall.

  5. BWAHAHAHAHAA!!!! Great post. I stumbled. I hope the word gets out.

    Everyone knows that Skinny Girls eat JUST AS MUCH as Fat Girls. Difference is, Fat Girls don’t puke it all back up again.

  6. Hey! Hold on here! You think it’s easy for us skinny gals? You think I don’t bemoan the fact that I’m ass-deficient every single day? What if a loved one should be in a horrible accident and I can’t be an ass-donor? How do you think that makes me feel? Show a little sensitivity.

  7. Yes, I am tired of people droning on about diets – stop it. Diets are temporary, don’t diet. If you want to live healthy, then live healthy for the rest of your life. Make a life change. Don’t diet for 5 weeks then collapse into eating every sugary / fatty food you can gorge yourself on because you believe you have denied yourself happiness. Eat healthy and if you want the occasional fatty food then have it, just know the consequences of over indulging.

    If for some reason you do go on a special diet then the general etiquette is to keep it to yourself, especially if all you are going to do is moan about it.

    If we all didn’t talk about our weight be it skinny/fat/medium/whatever, we could all just get on with our lives without comparison of each other. (Women all holding hands under a rainbow singing in perfect harmony time) Although, sadly we all know life isn’t like this.

    I also think it is time to stop using the ‘skinny woman’ as the fall guy. I doubt, ’10 top reasons fat women should shut up about their weight’ would go down too well. Just remember skinny women are not the cause of all evil. Honestly they are not, ok, maybe a couple are.

    However, in conclusion, I think overall women of ALL sizes should shut up about their weight. We all get a rough deal at one point in our lives or another. At the end of the day we are all women and should stick together.

  8. You are my hero!

    “Boring + Moron + Bully = Asshole” And they all have tramp stamps too!

    Speaking of all things fat girls, when does Drop Dead Diva come back on. Schmaltzy show but I just love her.

  9. Bottom line – self-obsessed people are boring…whether they’re obsessing about their weight, aging, how fabulous they are because they go to the gym, how they’re so wonderfully vegan, or whatever! They’re even LESS attractive when they hold the rest of the world up to their exacting standards.

    GREAT article, Jacki, Blythe, and Jessica!

  10. I didn’t realize that skinny people are more at risk for STD’s. It makes me feel good inside.

  11. Wow! Loved the article! I do lectures on body issues and over coming eating disorders so this really hit home! Women disempowering other women has got to stop! And it’s not just the skinny ones who go on and on…it’s all sizes…why can’t we learn to love ourselves whatever the weight, shape, whatever…
    Anyway, this is a giant leap in the right direction! I love smart, funny, sexy women and you gals are it!

  12. Absolutely hilarious. Had to post it to Facebook so some of my skinny bitch friends could catch the hint… that is if they have the ability to read. Hmm, didn’t think that one through. Well, at least my physically NORMAL friends will get to share the laugh!

  13. A livin’ large lady friend of mine the other day was really upset by a comedian’s set wherein the comic made a lot of fun of “fat people”, and it bothered me a lot to see her upset, because she’s amazing and I love her, every inch of her, just as she is. Even before I saw how upset she was, the material wasn’t making me laugh, it made me feel shitty, as it did her, and it wasn’t even directed towards “me”. Interestingly, in addition to my larger pal, my skinnier friends ALSO thought the comic was a d-hole.

  14. I would love to know who that comic was, Jessica!

  15. I found this to be very funny, and I loved the line about 15 pounds doesn’t hurl you over the line of being fat, 15 extra pounds is just fluff.

  16. I used to be skinny. But then I quit smoking and gained almost 50 lbs. Frankly, I would rather be fat with nice, healthy, pink lungs, than skinny with black, charred lungs.

    Interestingly, I can go farther on my treadmill now, then when I was a skinny/smoker. Hoo-rah!

  17. The night of the Academy Awards my sister and I turned to each other and said “Too bad about Gabourey.” We had just witnessed her ‘shot’ and she didn’t win. Now she might never work again. Jennifer Hudson stopped getting acting gigs after she won her Oscar and finally lost over 30 lbs. I have no idea whether she’ll ever work again either. It’s not fair but it’s the rules out here and I don’t make them.

    As someone who lives and works in Hollywood I can say there are many, many unfair things leveled at both men and women, mainly age. But no one will hire an overweight woman. They won’t write a part for her. They’ll change the script if they have to. Drop Dead Diva is a pandering attempt to get American women to watch others like themselves. This is a dangerous trend in TV since, as the most obese country in the world, we have nothing to celebrate. Except early death or diabetes.

    Gabourey is a very talented actress but I fear it’s the end of the line for her here in L.A. Although I did see her make a cameo on The Soup and she was very funny. I hope I’m wrong.

  18. As a skinny woman, parts of this post were rather offensive. Not all skinny women rag on heavier women, but the gist of your piece seems to be inclusive of all skinny women. I am naturally skinny and suffer from neither an eating disorder nor public rudeness targeted toward my sisters, no matter their size. This piece seems more tit for tat to me, and I don’t think it was helpful in correcting the sleights you feel are out there or for opening up constructive dialogue.

    Plus, I’ve never once had an STD.

    Kimber

    P.S. If a skinny woman had written this piece about fat women, the uproar would be deafening.

  19. That was a fun post….As a very fluffy woman, I loved it. But I agree that we shouldn’t be ragging on any size person.

  20. I love to get opposing viewpoints and real discussion in a FnS thread. I think we often have too much back patting in comments here and not enough constructive criticism and debate.

    In my opinion female humor bloggers are often dull because they explain themselves out of a good joke or want to be liked. Comedy is not about being fair and balanced and liked. It’s to entertain, but if there is a real message somewhere in there it can be even better. It is not to be taken literally, how many David Letterman lists are to be taken word for word? Adam McKay is the writer for most of the Will Ferrell movies and he teaches popular workshops on writing comedy. I have not been to one, but I’ve seen people write about it and they say his main message is to have a strong stance on one side of something controversial and stick to it like glue.

    One of our columnists recently showed me a draft of a blog entry where she made a joke about “being a pothead” and then in the next sentence had, “but I’m not really a pothead, I just thought it would sound funny”. I suggested that she take the explanation out. I told her that to really be comedy she needs to go all the way with it.

    But everyone has a boundary on at what point something is not funny any more and becomes offensive, even me. I think the list in itself is edgy but the opening paragraphs set a decent tone for what it’s really about. Without the intro it would not have the intended context.

    I’m about to post a video submitted to me tonight, and it has a FAT JOKE in it. How can I dare post a fat joke vid after this article? Because it’s funny.

    JS

  21. You had me at ” top ten reasons should shut up” and then killed me with the weight part. It would have been fine with just reasons to shut up.
    If one were to look around my area, it would appear that “thin is in” has been supplanted by ” the government dole is da way to roll” and judging by the size of the muffin tops, being fed by the Fed doesn’t seem to have many downsides.
    That being said as a drift away from my 30′s having never been married and the incidences of sodomy quite sparse, I am finding myself opening up to new and refreshing relationships.
    I can’t call myself a full fluffernutter fan yet, but my appreciation of the P shaped women is waning. This is not to say I have totally adopted the idea of “more is more” but I am becoming a little more flexible.
    If any of you larger women find my comments objectionable please email the site administrator. If any of you skinng girls found them entertaining you can call or email me directly.

  22. It doesn’t matter since we’ll never achieve our “ideal” anyway. I’ve gone directly from “needing to gain a few pounds” to “needing to drop a few pounds”. It seems like there would be a line somewhere in there where I was “just right”, but “just right” doesn’t exist for a self-loather.
    And, I will tell you a skinny bitch secret – we are jealous of curvy girls! What I’d give to have boobs and a nice ass. All I have is a sack of bones!
    P.S. Size 0′s have cellulite too. We waifs call it “skinny fat”.

  23. What an awful post. So hateful. Why are you generalizing about all skinny women. Everyone talks about their weight at some point. It’s annoying when anyone whines about it. Including bigger ladies.
    This is just hate-filled crap.

  24. Oh…and I have zero STDs. That aside, it’s very progressive and positive for women to make comments condemning each others’ promiscuity based on appearance alone. Good job, I hope it feels good.

  25. Erin, I’m skinny too, and I HELPED WRITE THIS POST. It’s not aimed at skinny women in general, it’s aimed at skinny women who gloat or otherwise go out of their way to make women of a larger size feel inferior. It was also meant to be funny, so try to read it from the perspective of someone with a sense of humor, and maybe you’ll get it. Also, eat a sandwich. KIDDING!

  26. Jack Shiite says:

    Wow, this isn’t funny. It’s just bitter. I looked over some of the other items you call “comedy” here, and it’s all just a bunch of whining about OTHER PEOPLE. Seriously, if someone’s not comfortable being overweight, who are YOU to tell them they need to be like you? If everyone’s allowed their own comfort zone on their weight, YOU don’t get to decide where other people should feel comfortable.

  27. that episode of oprah on her weight gain was so disheartening…you mean to say even if we have millions and a nice boyfriend and are the most powerful woman in america but are fat we should still feel like crap? ouch ouch ouch – and i had so wanted my idol oprah to be all about compassion and encouragement – guess she forgot that what you do unto yourself you are doing to others…what a sad message she sent that day!

  28. I’m skinny and I thought this post was funny. Really, skinny girls, if you’re offended by this post, what can I say. Eat something, be less cranky?

    I have had bacterial vaginosis, several yeast infections, and a staph infection. Granted, none of these were sexually transmitted, but I thought it would be fun to talk about my skinny vagina for a minute.

    Back to the subject at hand, lighten up. Get it? Lighten? Like your weight? And/or your load of b.s. about being offended over a really fun, funny post?

    Oh, and p.s., this post is not bitter! People always equate fatness with bitterness. Like fat girls can’t be funny, they can only be bitter. Oh, but who do we deem funny in America? Mostly men. Particularly white men. Who aren’t funny.

  29. MissMeow says:

    I know this is supposed to be empowering, but as a ‘skinny’ girl you’ve just made me feel like shit. I am conscious not to talk about my weight. I was expecting a witty article when I clicked on this link but this is just hateful message that seems to be directed towards all skinny folk (not just the ones who flaunt it)

    My advice is to become comfortable in your own skin and size and to stop taking it out on others.

    .. and as a size 0, I have never had an STD, or made myself sick.

  30. As a “skinny” girl (I’m a size 4, not a zero, thank you) who doesn’t feel the need to burden others with her own body issues, I do see your point in the first few bits of this article. My attention was lost when it became an article merely ragging on women of a lesser size. I believe whiny people really should shut up but I also believe that if someone wants to lose a few (within healthy measures) then more power to them. I do see the humor in this, I just think it lost any point or message past the first few bullets.

    Oh, and I have had an STD. That has nothing to do with my size. Its because I have a lot of sex. If I gained 20 lbs, I really don’t think that would affect my game. CAUSE I GOT GAME.

  31. Kelly Hammack says:

    I am a size 16. I have yo yo yo’d all my life. I am done with diets. Here is the deal I am a hot peice of ass and radtastic! If a man can’t see that, then he is doing me the favor by not bothering me!!
    XOXO
    Kelly

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  75. “except everyone knows that skinny girls have more STD’s.”

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