Top 5 Reasons Why I Despise Camping With a Fiery, Hellish Passion

 Funny not Slutty by the Numbers by Blythe Jewell

camping

5.  The Husband Loves It WAY Too Much.

About a week before the trip, he starts to get giddy.  He checks the weather forecast three times a day.  He makes lists of things to pack.  He NEEDS stuff.  His tent is old.  He doesn’t have any good camping tools.  If I really want to be comfortable, we’ll need a new air mattress, and new sleeping bags.  Of course I really DO want to be comfortable, so four thousand dollars later we’re all ready for the trip that was supposed to be a cheap alternative to that French Riviera cruise I wanted to take.

He wants me to be as excited as he is.  I’m not.  This annoys him.  That annoys ME. 

We haven’t even left the house yet, and already camping sucks.

4.  It’s Nothing But a Bunch of Work.

You wake up early.  You pack a bunch of crap in your car.  It doesn’t fit.  You UNpack it, then pack it again.  You barely make it fit.  You realize that you forgot some stuff.  You curse.  You start over.  Now you’re cranky.

You drive for hours, get there, unpack all the crap, realize even MORE stuff you’ve forgotten, curse.  Crankier.

You set up campsite #1, realize the spot you chose is too hot, so you move to campsite #2.  You realize campsite #2 is too cold.  You curse.  You move to campsite #3.  Cranky times ten.

After not sleeping – at all – because you forgot the sleeping bags and the *new* air mattress deflated halfway through the night, you get up the next morning and pack everything BACK up in your car.  You realize you somehow managed to forget some stuff.  You curse.  You drive off, abandoning the air mattress at the nearest dumpster, muttering to yourself, with lots of cursing, that it was just a piece of crap anyway.

Fun!

3.  No Wi-Fi.

Seriously!  It’s like we’re ANIMALS or something.

2.  The Coffee Sucks. 

Seriously!  Nobody EVER remembers the Splenda.  It’s like we’re ANIMALS or something.

1.  The One Thing That Trumps a Beautiful Sunrise Any Day of the Week:

 lion squat(Photo  from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nickleus/4116933645/)

Need I say more?

Beej

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, full-time editor of incredibly boring government documents and totally underappreciated comic genius.  Her work hasn’t been featured anywhere important, which just means it’ll be worth more after she dies. You can find her usually hilarious, sometimes serious, always off-color blog, The Bean, at www.themusicalfruit.net.  

Comments

  1. Wow. This describes my last relationship to a T.

  2. I also despise camping with a fiery, hellish passion. And my EX-husband LOVED it. Notice I said EX? yeah, we just weren’t compatible that way.

    I now have found someone who hates camping as much as I do. It’s awesome.

  3. mommabird2345 says:

    I don’t *do* camping anymore. My idea of camping is a hotel. :)

  4. I must disagree. Clearly you didn’t have enough fishing trips in the freezing drizzle, s’mores mixed with pine needles and dirt, and bug spray on your lips as a child to appreciate the simple splendor of it all. YOU DO LOVE CAMPING! You’re just too afraid of unearthing the immense joy it brings, and how it may transform you.

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  20. I also love to learning more on this topic if possible, as I too gain expertise. Also agree that advantageously, the post is actually the freshest topic on this related issue. Couldn’ta said it better my own self. But for real, you cracked me up. Very funny post, even if it did take me three months to catch up to it. (Sorry about that; been a little constipated.) I used to like camping, but that was basically because I was young, had no money and like fooling around outside. Now I’m old, can afford a hotel and have no open air adventures. On the plus side: fewer embarrassing sunburns.

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  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by bejewell. bejewell said: Top 5 Reasons Why I Despise Camping With a Fiery, Hellish Passion : http://funnynotslutty.com/?p=897 (My latest column for Funny not Slutty) [...]

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