Top 10 Dos and Don’ts Learned from My Last High School Reunion

by Blythe Jewell

So, last week I received the Save-the-Date for my 20th high school reunion and most people might start panicking now, but not me.  Because every stupid, jackass thing someone can possibly do at a high school reunion, I already did ten years ago.  I’ve basically spent the past ten years engaged in a series of random Oh-shit-I-really-did-that cringes and winces and I’m choosing to see the 20-year as my opportunity to redeem myself, rather than a chance to make myself look like even more of an asshole.  Of course, those are what I like to call “Famous Last Words” – but we’re going to think positive here.  At least I’m going in armed with my List of Dos and Don’ts – wisdom gained through my own pain and humiliation.  And now you can, too.  You’re welcome.

1. DO stay in touch with at least two people from high school.   The first one is the person you will force to go with you to the reunion so you’re not sans high school clique.  The second is your back-up, in case the first refuses or gets sick or dies or something.

 

2. DON’T wear the tube dress.  Unless you’re cool with holding your boobs in all night.

 

3. DON’T take your husband if he’s the loud talker who blurts inappropriate things in already-uncomfortable situations. 

 

4. If you fail to follow #3, DON’T be surprised at the hideous looks you receive when your husband shouts, “Jesus your classmates all look like they’re in their FIFTIES!” the second you walk in.

5. DO limit your alcohol intake.  I CANNOT STRESS THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS ENOUGH.

 

6. If you fail to follow #5, DON’T talk to other people.

7. If you fail to follow numbers 5 and 6, DO listen carefully to what other people are saying to you.  When that guy you had a crush on senior year tells you he’s now in the Marines and stationed in “Guantanamo,” be sure he didn’t actually say “Quantico” (as in Virginia) before you spend the rest of the conversation expressing concern for his safety in Cuba.

 8. DON’T assume the gender of someone’s child, when complimenting them on their family photos.  Trust me on this.

 

9. DON’T remind everyone of your most embarrassing high school memories.  Most of your classmates had completely forgotten about that time you accidentally handed a tampon to the captain of the football team when he asked to borrow a pen in the hallway.  Until YOU just reminded them.

10. At the end of the evening, when everyone poses for the class picture and you’re five cocktails in, DO remember to hold your boobs in the tube dress.

 

 

Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, full-time editor of incredibly boring government documents and totally underappreciated comic genius.  Her work hasn’t been featured anywhere important, which just means it’ll be worth more after she dies. You can find her usually hilarious, sometimes serious, always off-color blog, The Bean, at www.themusicalfruit.net

Comments

  1. “NOT what you think it is” made me BLURT!

  2. great post as usual!

  3. psychobabbler says:

    I’m so sorry I missed the 10 year reunion. And, now this time you are going to be all prim and propper and crap. Promise me, you’ll make it interesting again.

  4. i promise you kelley – blythe will NOT be prim and proper. i could handle THAT guy as my husband even if he was loud!

  5. At my 10th I returned with my best friend for the reunion. Everyone else was there with their spouses. It was high school all over again…we were there dateless – with each other for dates. History. Repeating itself. Nice.

  6. I totally fell into number five at my ten year. Shortly after that was a wedding where I did it again…that time I am told I grabbed a former classmate in inappropriate places…and it was my wife who informed me of that. I am SOOOOO glad she is forgiving! Thanks Beej! You rock! ALWAYS!

  7. Thankfully I have taken a pass on these, I am sure I have missed at least 1 or 2 of these at this point in my life. Good things to note on the tube dress, I’ll refrain from wearing mine no matter how much I want to.

  8. I loved this!! I went to my high school reunion a few years back and I swear this one girl had been surgically stretched. My three best friends and I went back to the house and had three bottles of chardonnay to discuss!

    Love your work!

  9. my ex husband should have read this before he went to his tenth. He didn’t follow one of those steps. Thankfully I didn’t know him at the time.

    you are hysterical

  10. Very entertaining post.

  11. I knew there was a reason I didn’t go to those things…I couldn’t follow the guidelines anyway!! :)

  12. I go to these..only b/c I feel so good about how I look compared too everyone else.

    Yup. The skinny flat girl looks years younger than the hard livin booby rocker chicks.

    Yes.

  13. Thanks so very much for putting this online.

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  15. I’m impressed, I found your blog on Google looking for something completely unrelated, now I’m going to need to go back and go the old posts :) So much for spare time today, but this was a awesome find!!!

  16. Great to find out you back again. And again with an interesting article.

  17. Jackie Leitzinger

  18. Fascinating…definitely food for thought. I hope you don’t mind if I refer this on to a few other people I know.

  19. Ensure that you avoid large belts as they diffuse the look and make you look shorter. If you are going for a petite dress with patterns, make sure they are at least vertical patterns. Horizontal ones are simply a no-no since they make you look bigger or wider and not really taller.

  20. Well, I imagine that clears up a couple of problems for me personally. How about everyone else?

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  27. Janette Stoutamire

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