Funny not Slutty of the Week – KiKi Walter

If FnS had a “Most Nostalgic” award, it would go to Kiki (Kristy) Walter. Kristy remembers more about her youth than I remember about yesterday. Her “every woman” style of writing is reflective of her experience in acting, documentary producing and journalism.
Kristi in the FnS Community and her blog Flibbertigibbet.

Plucking Mole Hairs: Pleather, News & Roller Derby
by KiKi Walter

As I grow older, replete with nose warts and hairy moles and blast of gray Einstein hair, I tend to obsess over the dreams of youth gone by. What one might call “an idealist” — or “dreamer — or “eccentric” — or “scatterbrained creative type” — or just “scatterbrained” — I’ve had my share of aspirations, none of which I’ve completely left behind. I won’t quit you, damn it. I won’t quit you:

* Fame-whoring, Academy-award winning, totally obnoxious actress. The life long dream, out of the womb. As a child, I would throw blankets over my head and darken the circles under my eyes with an eyeliner pencil (unfortunately, it was a shimmery baby blue eye pencil – but, you know, it was — like — 1980. Ish.) Imagination prevailed, however, and I would light the bedroom with candles and proceed to pose in front of my dresser mirror for future movie posters. I suppose in my youth, I was delusional over the fact that my reign as a community theatre princess in a small Canadian border farm town would take me far in my quest for fame, but the heart was there. I kept with it, I did my thing in Los Angeles until Plan B was enlisted — the difference being it was more about the feeling and less about the fame whore thing. In my old age, I miss it. But, in my old age, I still psychotically pose for dramatic movie posters while in the comfort of my darkened bedroom.

* Marilyn Monroe incarnate. See above, and replace “dramatic” with big, blonde, comedic and buxom.

* Sylvia Plath incarnate. When I wasn’t posing for phantom movie posters or practicing my Marilyn Monroe-esque giggle and wiggle, I was sitting in my bedroom playing Foreigner’s “That Was Yesterday” and writing ever-so dark, deep and abstract poetry. The kind that only an “I’m so dark and deep and abstract” sixteen year old can bestow upon the world. About tears and pain and rage and all that gayness. I went so far as to study the Romantic Poets in college, believing I was a *cough, cough, choke, choke* scholar of Blake, Wordsworth, Shelley, Coleridge, Byron, and the like. In actuality, at the time, I was more a scholar of Peach Schnapps and Fiddle Faddle.

* A Princess. In the late 60s, my mother was a winter carnival princess. The photos of her are so elegant and beautiful, and she wore what looked to me like a lush velvet cape, and sparkly crown on her deep, dark French/Indian Princess brunette flip. I truly believed for many years (as a child) that she was real royalty and that I was a real princess. Perhaps not of a regal bloodline–but all the same, I must say that in this case, dreams really do come true!

* A cashier at the Grand Union. When I was a child, my Dad worked at one of the local grocery stores as a produce manager, and also ran one of those kiosk-style penny candy stands that were a pay-on-good-faith deal. You know, with the tin can that you would put a nickle in or whatever for your stash of stale hard candy. Mmm-course I was able to grab all I wanted for free…well, at least I thought I did. I also was under the assumption that I could just pluck grapes and eat them at my liking. In any case, I was obsessed with the idea of working at a grocery store. My little friend Kirk and I would go out into the parking lot and bring in all the shopping carts. Yeah, man, I was a six year old in my glory. I remember saying to my Dad that I aspired to these aforementioned goals. He would smile and tell me I could be so much more. But I honestly thought it couldn’t possibly be any better. And I dreamed that candy cart would be passed on to me.

* Katie Couric. I went through my “I am going to be a famous reporter” stage. In fact, I would pose for commercials as “America’s New Sweetheart.” What’s sad is, I was in my 20s during this time. I wouldn’t want to be Katie Couric now. I’d want to be Ryan Seacrest. His hair is to die for.

* Rich. I pray and dream for this every day. If I could lie by the pool and get manicures, pedicures, and have my chef bring me lunch every day while I read or — God forbid — write, I think my life would be complete.

* A World Famous Ice Skater. Too bad half-way into my ice skating lessons as a girl, the ice melted in our skating rink and all of our lessons went by the wayside, not to be taught again until years later. From the time I was little until now, I hear songs and I imagine my routine and rebellious little outfits. I always likened myself to be like the Andre Agassi of ice skating, pushing the envelope. My mother used to call me her little “Tonya Harding” which still sort of freaks my shit out. Well, I can win as many Olympic medals in my dreams that I want, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m klutzier than a nerd on crack and can’t seem to get past this thing where I skate with my butt totally sticking out. Which might sound kind of hot on paper, but it totally isn’t pretty at all.

* A Rock Star. Who doesn’t? And, yes. I pose for record/cd/cassette tape–or whatever the kids are callin’ ‘em these days–covers. And I sing into my hairbrush, and embarrass my young son in the car. I’m looking a little less appealing in spandex and pleather I’m afraid these days. Shamu much? Shamu. (Good name for a band!)

And last, but not least:

* A Roller Derby Bitch. Roller skating was my first love. I would still die to be on a kick ass roller derby team and knock some she-teeth to the ground. I have had my roller derby name for years, I embrace my alter ego that no one knows of, I picture the fishnetty little sleazy roller derby outfits, and I picture the knocking my competitors to the ground and out of the way while skating to 80s arena rock and flashing the spectators the bird every few minutes. I came really close to joining just last year. But I chickened out. I also got really busy plucking my haggish wart hairs and adjusting my muumuu. Oh, but there is something about violent competition that excites me to no end. That, a pitcher of piss tasting beer, chicken wings, and a cup of Sanka in the morning. Seriously though, if I wasn’t getting to the point where walking across the kitchen gives me asthma and…you know…other assorted responsibilities, I would SO do it in a heart beat. And check this! It doesn’t matter if I’m a klutz and end up on my ass half the time! Ha cha cha!

One thing I’ve come to learn: dreams keep your mind active, and keep your spirit alive. And I hope one day when I have a full old lady beard, no teeth, full on banana boobs, and only patches of hair on my head, that I still dream of being an actress, a writer, expert with extra slanted tweezers, a cashier, a famous journalist, an ice skater, rich, a rock star, and a roller derby bitch. I hope all those dreams continue to breathe life to my imagination.

Even if they do make me just a little crazier than your average princess.

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