Anti-Mommy Baby Purse

funny anti mommy purse

Amy Vansant is The Anti-Mommy. Writer, blogger (http://www.kidfreeliving.com/), professional nerd, and shameless Labradoodle mommy. Amy is probably at a restaurant drinking wine as you are reading this right now.

I know how Mother Theresa must have felt. Sometimes, when you see a need – nay, an injustice - you just have to do something about it.

I am tired of watching people schlub along with their babies strapped to them like so much extra ammo. You can take a perfectly fine looking woman, hang a kid in a sack on her, and *poof!* — she is instantly transformed into a 1900s Polish potato picker.  Sling it to the side and she looks like a dirty little hippie momma. Put it on her back and she looks like a pack animal. Strap it to her front – my god. I can’t even discuss that atrocity. What’s even the point of having boobs at that point?

That’s why we’re releasing the new Anti-Mommy Brand Baby Purse. You may have already seen Paris or Lindsay strutting in and out of the trendiest clubs with their Baby Purses. Poodles and Maltese puppies in handbags is SO 2008.

Why would you want a mutt sticking out of your purse when you can show the world you are so rich and important you can use human children as accessories?  Even a designer dog will only cost you a few thousand dollars. Have you seen the price tag on a white male baby lately? Not only have I revolutionized fashion, I have finally found a way for those demanding poop factories to make themselves stylish.

The Anti-Mommy Baby Purse comes in an array of fashion colors, from solid lime with chocolate trim to leopard skin. Simply slip the baby inside, and zip it from either side so that the head is locked into the center of the purse. (Babies sold separately). If the baby has not been properly sedated prepared for the purse, simply pull the zippers a bit tighter and the fussing should cease.

The Baby Purse comes in two sizes:

Large – for every day people wishing to make a statement.

Small – for the truly rich and successful who can afford to swap in and out an endless supply of Preemies, which, of course, are more expensive — and really make clothing in purple hues pop.

The cost of the child accessories vary wildly, depending on race, gender and overall attractiveness. On a bit of a budget? Don’t worry. You can get a female Chinese baby accessory for a song.

Comments

  1. Um, I know you are trying to be funny, but I know that a lot of women will take offense at this, myself included. The point of boobs (before men decided to overly sexualize them) is actually to FEED a child. And the remark about the Chinese baby girl is just tasteless, not funny.

  2. Sling Wearing Mother says:

    I agree with Tracey- not funny at all, and very offensive! If you actually were a “professional nerd,” maybe you would research sling wearing before writing such an ignorant article. Here, I’ll do it for you: http://www.babyzone.com/baby/nurturing/article/slings-carriers-benefits

    This article is not only sexist and racist, but worst of all- not funny. I feel sorry for your dog!

  3. I think it’s hilarious….the other two complainers are big babies….grow up, have a laugh, it hurts no one, it’s between you and your computer…. I think it’s a great article! Kudos!

  4. Why would this be posted in “mommy humor” exactly?

  5. The baby purse is a great idea! Asian is really in right now. I can’t wait to hit eBay for one. They are cheaper than bump-its! I am having trouble getting my hands on a hispanic one. Any recomendations for a fall look?

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