Slutty but Funny – I wish this was a lie…

by Natalie Wall

funny_natalie

I wish this was a lie…

“So are you seeing anyone….guy or girl?”

“No, but that you for subtly asking if I’m a lesbian for the 15th time now, Mother.”

After being asked for the umpteenth time if I’m a lesbian, I started to question…why am I not dating anyone? Oh wait that’s right. I’m an asshole.

It used to be a real issue for me, but then I realized, the world doesn’t need a man that can deal with my asshole antics, just think of the poor soul that would have to date me. I’m pretty sure I’d turn him gay. That or he would kill himself. That sorry bastard.

And to add to my asshole factor, I’m disgusting with just a dash of gassiness. Now, those who know me, I know what you’re thinking. “You’re not an asshole, you are the most loving person I know. Just a simple peaceful beautiful soul.” Don’t patronize me, you sick pricks. And just to prove my point I’m listing my top 10 most disgusting/assholey things I’ve ever done.

1. When I get too drunk and need to vomit I just turn to the side of my bed and puke on my carpeted floor. I usually miss.

2. I put 4-5 scoops of mayo on any sandwich I eat, but it’s cool I balance it out with cucumbers.

3. If it were socially acceptable to never brush my teeth. I wouldn’t.

4. Remember being at a crowded party, then smelling butt? Oh yeah, that was me.

5. If it was socially acceptable to never bathe. I wouldn’t.

6. I have to wash my feet every day. Why you ask? Cause they smell like Fritos.

7. I usually eat meat and mayo…for breakfast.

8. Remember that emo facebook status about how you wanted to kill yourself and I liked it? I wasn’t trying to be funny.

9. I see absolutely nothing wrong with febreezing a pile of clothes on the ground and saying you just did laundry.

10. Over Christmas break last year, I didn’t move from the couch (except to pee) for 47 hours because I wanted to watch every episode of 30 rock. There is still an imprint of my ass on my couch. And I yelled at my mom for asking me to shower.

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City,  she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

Comments

  1. Not moving for “30 Rock” is completely acceptable.

    I also kind of hate brushing my teeth…but I’m too vain to deal with yellow chompers. So I brush for a minute and then down about a gallon of tooth-whitening mouthwash.

  2. I wish I didn’t identify with half of the things you listed.

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