Slutty But Funny – wait…why am I single?

by Natalie Wall

It has recently come to my attention that I am single. And by recently I mean this past month and by this past month I mean since I was nine.

My dad thinks it’s because I’m (and I quote) “too pretty”… but I’m pretty sure it may have something to do with my serious opinions about flavored mayo…. I’m sorry but there is only one flavor of mayo and it’s called mayo…get this “lemony-zest” mayo shit out of my face, you fascist bastard.

Did I just shake you up? Good.

Whew. I’m all sweaty now…this may also be part of the problem (the sweat, that is).

I’m weird. It’s cool. I get it. I figured this out when I was 13 at my local Pizza Hut…don’t ask.

Whatever, it will probably make me famous, bitches. Or, at the very least, that sassy spray-paint huffing, cat lady in the Reeboks and pastel wind suit, which are both classy and versatile, thank you very much.

In all honesty, I should have been a dude. I dream about peeing while standing, I kick ass at beer pong and I fucking love porn. Like really, porn is a beautiful, beautiful thing… a man and a woman and a man and two other men in a loving embrace…who wouldn’t love that?

Okay, with even more honesty…I’m perfect. Don’t act like you weren’t already thinking it. My farts smells like butterflies (if they were dead), my love bubbles (boobs) are symmetrical (most of the time) and I have mediocre sex (at best).

Okay, fine, whatever.

Live in your impossible standards world, gentlemen. But come on, I’m not that bad of a choice; it’s either me (read above) or that sexually acceptable girl losing her shit to the newest Bieber song who is on her fourth Appletini stumbling towards the bar with her side boobage hanging out …oh… I get it now…

If it’s any consolation I’ll take out my retainer before talking to you this time. I totally understand why that freaked you out…

My ortho said the lisp wouldn’t last that long…she lied.

But seriously… why am I still single?

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City,  she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

Comments

  1. You know what kind of porn makes me feel uncomfortable, though?

    The awkward stuff shot with a camera from around 1998…you know, a lot of the stuff on YouPorn? Every once in a while there’s a diamond in the rough…but mostly…it just makes me want to…close my eyes.

  2. Senor_Shutter says:

    You are absolutely right about flavored mayo! It is vile, disgusting and the work of the Devil.

  3. Uhm. I bow down. Badnanny@blogspot

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