5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s Day to “Please My Man” – Blythe Jewell

by Blythe Jewell

1. Squeezing into slutty lingerie.

I don’t dress up to have sex. If naked’s not good enough, we have a problem.

Besides – lace chafes.







2. Sensual massage.
I have really weak fingers and wrists.









3. Scattering rose petals around the bed.
Somebody’s got to clean that shit up, yo.









4. Cooking an elaborate meal.
If you had ever seen me trying to Forrest Gump my way through the kitchen, you’d understand that I’m actually doing him a favor with this one.









5. Feeding him chocolate-covered strawberries.
Any chocolate in this house belongs to me, exclusively – regardless of the occasion.








Look. I love my guy, but I don’t need a special day to be awkward, uncomfortable and falsely selfless. That’s what dating was for.

Hey, Valentine’s Day? Bite me.


Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/.  Also available for childrens’ parties.


  1. Mr. Bean is a lucky man. Probably frightened most of the time, but still — lucky.

    AWESOME as always, Beej.

  2. You are the best with the pictures and the captions.

    I agree …all those things will NOT be going on here for BD, either.

    I loved this, thank you.

  3. Sorry I missed this before. It was hysterical. I love your sense of humor!


  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Angela and Good Day, Reg People, Funny not Slutty. Funny not Slutty said: We kick off the VDay BitchFest with Blythe's 5 Things I Will NOT Be Doing on Valentine’s to “Please My Man” http://fb.me/zMhJQ7ez [...]

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