Slutty But Funny – It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

funny_natalie
by Natalie Wall

You know, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I wasn’t supposed to be living with my parents after I graduated college, let alone living with them for nine months… and counting.

I wasn’t supposed to be moping around my house screaming at my mom for more mayo to dip my morning sausage links into.

I never thought the highlight of my week would become the moment I figured I could fashion my Kansas City Chief koozies into the perfect cooler for my vat of mayo.

“If you really fucking love me you’ll stop buying this Miracle Whip shit.”

I wasn’t supposed to kind of want to go back to church again because I literally have nothing else the fuck to do.

Have you ever been to a Catholic mass? That shit never ends….never.

I was only supposed to say the phrase, “I hope that’s not mold… whatever, I’m still fucking eating it,” in my crappy studio apartment in Brooklyn because I’m so fucking poor/drunk/stupid and NOT because my laziness at home has just hit a new low that even sitting up while eating has become an impossible task.

I would be more embarrassed by that previous paragraph, but it’s only happened twice…so…yeah…

I’m more embarrassed by the fact that I have to use my Macbook to shield my constant food boner from my parents…I’m doing it right now.

…I feel so dirty.

I’m really starting to see the underbelly of unemployment…it’s pinker than I thought it would be…and stickier…

I was supposed to be back in NYC by now.

To be perfectly honest, I’m supposed to be famous by now… but I think my bust of Lorne Michael’s got lost in the mail, cause he would have totally called me back by now…right?

RIGHT?!?!

I should probably feel blessed, seeing as my mother finally has shown me (after three straight weeks of torture via water-boarding) where the stash the good bottles of liquor are hidden…and yes they are helping me write this post…but I don’t.

Why?

Hmmm well because I want, what I want, when I want it.

… And that is probably the most mature statement I’ve ever written.

I expect things to be handed to me. And I’m cute, so that’s usually the case with the exception of sex/candy/control of the remote control. Ha, who am I kidding I get all the fucking candy I want…as long as I pay market price…including tax…but the cashier always looks at my boobs….so….yeah…BOOM.

And seeing as I’m beginning to ramble and stroke my ego simultaneously (which is a gift, might I add) I’ll leave you with these words of wisdom (future employers/sexual exploits/prepubescent boys who accidently end up on this post looking for porn) from my mother: “You know she used to eat paint, right?”

…that really explains a lot…

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City,  she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

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