Gabby’s Promotional Water Bottles – Gabrielle Birchak

Hi, I am Gabrielle Birchak. I’m an award-winning comedic pundit and comedian. Years ago, I had the incredible opportunity to report for Project Breakout at the Democratic National Convention in Denver, CO. While I was there, interviewing anything that moved, there was a man giving away these promotional water bottles. He called them “Obama in a Bottle.” There inside of these water bottles, was an Obama doll, Obama stickers, Obama gum, and more. It was very clever! If Obama were to see it, I’m sure even he would say, “That is a fine promotional water bottle!”

Well, shortly after the DNC, as my career was gaining steam, I hit a bump in the road. Two events changed my life. Doctors diagnosed my son with a disability and Joaquin Phoenix supposedly quit acting to become a hip-hop artist. The situation of the former event allowed me to speak about the latter very passionately. Crying was easy for me. In fact, I could effortlessly fill up an entire water bottle with my tears. Hence, I made a video announcing my departure from politics utilizing my tears and Joaquin.

Thanks to the help of many aids, teachers and doctors, my son is doing MUCH better! As such, I’m now getting back in the studio. However, those water bottles that I saw in Denver still called to me. So, I got this idea. Instead of doing my V-Blabs, I would do Entertainment E-Blabs. For my first video, I planned to talk about Joaquin Phoenix, and then endorse my own promotional water bottles called “Joaquin in a Bottle.” The taping begins well, as you can see. However, I choke up whenever I have to say Joaquin’s name. I never finished the video, which I guess is a good thing considering that I couldn’t find any bearded Joaquin dolls for my promotional water bottles. Honestly, as religion is for some, entertainment news is just too personal for me. I think I should just stick to politics. The sad part is that I now have 1,500 promotional water bottles that say “Joaquin in a Bottle” that I don’t know what to do with.

Gabrielle Birchak loves comedy writing, sketch writing, political punditry, Girl Scout Cookies and Chianti wine … all at once.
For a little fun, visit her at – it’s like a party in your computer.


  1. Love this! Gabby, you’re oozing with talent. And, if I get around to filming my short, I want you to be my lead!! xoxo – Austin Girl

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