by Natalie Wall
America. Let’s talk.
Chivalry has been dead for quite some time, my lady-parts having friends. But when did it officially choke on the big one?
Someone’s got some explaining to do.
Seriously, who was the one lady who ruined it for all of us? Who was the one to say, “Look…I’m cute…and funny…and can hold a decent conversation about politics/theology/deep fried Twinkies…now ignore my phone calls and force me to undo your belt- buckle…and I’ll be obsessed with you forever, my little Douche McDouchster, you…because quite honestly, that’s how every lady wants to be treated…like a turd.”
And while yes, for years and years we’ve been blaming the death of chivalry on men, but they aren’t the ones in the wrong, really… gawk if you must…but it’s all your fault…yes…I’m talking about you….Mary.
Now, ladies, ladies, ladies instead of putting blame on that token whore…we need to teach men that chivalry will never be a bad thing.
I don’t think men quite understand the untapped sexual goldmine they are standing on. But then again… when do they ever understand the untapped sexual goldmine they are standing on?
And that is where you come in. This is our mission ladies…we must revive chivalry! We must teach them to open doors/pay for meals/offer to put on his own condom.
Teach him that you saying, “ Hi, I’m so glad to meet you. You look exactly like your online dating profile picture. I would like to be the bearer of your bastard child now,” is a perfectly adequate way to introduce yourself first date. And that really, he should just sit back, relax and enjoy your candor/honesty/ ability to shove a shit ton of meat in your mouth.
And when all else fails…when he’s still being a little dick after you’ve politely told him that everything about him sucks…it’s time to bring out the big guns.
Yep. That’s right. Your boobies.
Tell him…you’ll lower your standards…but until he shows some chivalry…you will not lower your bra.
Chivalry is back…and it smells oh so good.
Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).