Breaking Up: Now Slightly Easier To Do – Kimberly Welsh


As a public service to every perfectly wonderful girl who’s ever been dumped by someone who didn’t know how good s/he had it, here’s a handy template you can use to say farewell without accidentally humiliating or degrading yourself. Not that you would ever do that…

Dear [Momma’s Boy/Snugglekins/Signor Berlusconi/Buttface],

Since you broke up with me via [text/telepathic communication/my favorite barista/monk-e-mail], I’ve had some time to reflect on our time together. I’ve asked myself all the usual questions, like [“Is there someone else?”/”When will I get my Xbox back?”/”Who’s Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses?”/”WHY GOD WHY?!?!?”], and I’ve been able to sort most of it out in my head. I wanted to send you one last email to explain my feelings and hopefully offer you some [closure/pot/breakup sex/time share properties] as well.

I’m sure you’ve realized by now that when you dumped me, you did so under the mistaken impression that [I’m crazy/you’re sane/Ayn Rand made some valid points/that bartender genuinely wanted to sleep with you]. How [embarrassing/disconcerting/alarming/incomprehensible] for you, especially now that you’ve been [indicted/castrated/put on the no-fly list/outed on “People of Wal-Mart”]. Nonetheless, I was really hoping we could [clear the air/fight to the death/emigrate to opposite ends of the planet/return that baby we adopted]. I just think it would be better for [me/you/that baby we adopted/your mother] that way. So I guess I’ll start…

I’ve never felt more [alive/unconscious/baffled/sexually frustrated] than I did when we were together. And I sincerely hope I’ll be able to carry that feeling forward into my next [relationship/table dance/dump/therapy appointment]. No one wants to walk away from a relationship empty-handed, and I can honestly say that you gave me [the heebie-jeebies/a foot fungus/two dollars in pennies/the biggest strap-on I’ve ever seen]. I still remember the night we stayed up all night [talking/making love/watching “Hoarders” on Netflix/trying to get out of that guy’s basement] – I never knew one night could be so [meaningful/miserable/terrifying/ill-spent]!

Our relationship was also my first experience dating someone [with a micropenis/with an ex-wife/I met in a rest stop bathroom/with more prior convictions than me]. At first I was really anxious about it, but thanks to your [patience/.38/trust fund/drug connections], I was able to move past it and appreciate you for what you were: [a Time Lord/an out-of-work seamstress/a hideous soul in a bitchin’ body/a cheating lying piece of shit]. By the time I was ready to introduce you to my [parents/accountant/improv teacher/imaginary friend], I hardly even noticed your [overwhelming BO/tendency to flash people/Members Only jacket/grating voice] anymore! We were just so [oblivious/unfortunate/happy/bovine] together! Remember when we threw caution to the wind and [bought a Denny’s/made our own shoes/joined that cult/spent a weekend in Dothan]? I prefer to dwell on good times like those, and forget all the [bad blood/restraining orders/rap battles/domestic abuse trials] so typical of the last [half/two-thirds/twelve years] of our time together.

I ran into [your brother/that baby we adopted/your roommate/my probation officer] yesterday, so I already know you’re seeing [an AA group/a gender reassignment specialist/the Virgin Mary in your toast]. Good for you! I can’t tell you how [thrilled/suicidal/incredibly hungry/enraged] I am to hear that you’re moving on! I hope you’ll feel the same when I tell you that I, too, am picking up the pieces and moving forward with my [life/2-year cell phone contract/evil plans for world domination/tell-all autobiography]. So I guess we’ve both grown as people, and in the end, there are no winners or losers – only the beautiful [memories/incriminating photos/ringtones/airbrushed t-shirts] we made in our time together.

When I look back on this time in my life, I’ll always remember you as the [man/woman/dealer/IT professional] who first taught me to [love/eat with my mouth closed/never expect love from an outside source/appreciate my alone time]. No matter where we go, who we meet, or what happens in the future, we’ll always have [a vial of each other’s blood/McDonald’s/part ownership of the LA Kings/a minimum distance of 500 yards between us].

by Kimberly Welsh

[Love/Peace/Hugs ‘n Kisses/An Army of One]


Kimberly hearts cheese, transatlantic flights, and margaritas on the rocks. She can often be found playing pretend on stage at Atlanta’s Whole World Improv Theatre, spouting her baseless opinions on her blog, Wildly Exaggerated, and harnessing the power of twitter to tell the world how bored she is.

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