Dumb Ass Wedding Songs – Jessica Delfino

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Now Introducing the Bride and Groom and Their Dumb Ass Wedding Song

by Jessica Delfino

Dancing in a gown while my entire family watches is enough to reawaken every pathos and neurosis I managed to stuff way, way down inside my self, the way I used to with tissue paper in a brassiere. Used to? Who am I kidding. I did it last week. The bride and groom dance scares me almost as much as a fiery death also involving spiders. OK, let’s break it down. The way this typically works is, some dude you never met and probably don’t care much for who somehow conned you into forking over upwards of three grand to dick around with some of his favorite music for a few hours will introduce you as man and wife for the first time to whatever song you and your fiancé either caringly choose together or settle on, like you may have each other.

Today, we discuss some of the most popular songs for the newly wed bride and groom dance, and what it says about them.

A Whole New World, “Alladin” Sound Track

12 year olds, Arabians, Disney princess, those planning to come out of the closet at some point in the near future, practical “ironic” jokesters doing the best and most elaborate joke of their lives, those paid to use it, or a couple who forgot to specify what song they wanted, and this was the first song that came up on random. In short, I can’t think of one realistic reason that anyone might be doing any kind of dancing at all to this song at their wedding. I can already see in the comments, someone writing, “I like that song!” Please also note which one you are, above.

Always, Atlantic Starr

OK, so, this song owns in both an ironic and a totally for real way, and may very well be the song I choose for my wedding song. What does that say about me? Well, that I used to love rollerskating when I was 10, for one. Speaking of Atlantic Starr –

Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr

It’s a nice coincidence that Atlantic Starr also boasts the rad “Secret Lovers” ballad about an illicit romantic affair. Play that song at your wedding if your husband left his wife to be with you. You won! Celebrate life’s little achievements.

Crazy, Patsy Cline

This is a great song to dance to at your wedding if you are Carole Boone (who married Ted Bundy), Doreen Lioy (who married Richard Ramirez), Tammi Saccoman (who married Erik Menendez), Rebecca Sneed (who married Lyle Menendez), and anyone else who is marrying a man on death row, because your ass be crazy.

Don’t Know Much, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville

So this song is kind of corny, but it’s got that sweet sappiness to it that just gets to ya if you’re not careful. Plus, who doesn’t love Linda Ronstadt and doing hilarious impressions of Aaron Neville? That voice is just so damn undeniably fun to imitate. Thus, this is a great wedding dance song if you’re getting married at karaoke night.

Can’t Help Falling In Love, Elvis Presley

This is a really beautiful song, and it was really beautiful when it was your grandparent’s wedding song, too. Honor grandma and grandpa with this song ideally if you’re getting married in Las Vegas, and have the King sing it to you. Later on your honeymoon, you can honor him too, by eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich on the toilet. Nanna and Pop pop would be so proud of their little schmoo schmoo.

Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing, Aerosmith

Play this as your wedding dance song if you are Liv Tyler and your dad is Steven Tyler, only. No other excuse will do, even that it’s your favorite song. However, Love In An Elevator is a totally acceptable wedding dance song for strippers or daughters whose dads didn’t contribute to their wedding.

Endless Love, Diana Ross and Lionel Richie

Remember once upon a time in the shady 80s when male and female singing duos would join forces to drop a musical romance bomb on the world? (Also see “Don’t Know Much”.) Well, those days are gone. But you can relive them at your wedding. Dance to this song with anyone you will “be a fool” for. Do people even listen to the lyrics of the songs they choose as their wedding dance songs? Sheesh!

Reunited, Peaches & Herb

This song is perfect for the couple who has already divorced once. Both of your families are totally against this unholy re-matrimony. Might as well have fun rubbing it in their faces.

Everything I Do, I Do It For You, Bryan Adams

A great song for the eager to please Jewish groom and the hard to impress Catholic bride. You still aren’t good enough her. As a matter of fact, her response song will probably be Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much.”

Let’s Spend The Night Together, Rolling Stones

This one’s for the couple who knows deep in their hearts it’s not gonna last for more than a year, so go on, break out this kickin’ Stones song and let everyone dance and enjoy the party.

God Only Knows Where I’d Be Without You, The Beach Boys

This song is considered one of the most romantic love songs of all time. Play as your wedding dance song if you are a recovering addict who is marrying his or her rehab counselor. Also a great song for Christians.

Touch Me, The Doors

For the guy who’s marrying a virgin, like that ever happens.

Woman, John Lennon

Romantically dance to this song in front of your entire weeping family if you’re in a relationship where it’s OK for the man to constantly refer to his wife as “woman”, i.e., “Woman, where’s my dinner?” or “Don’t ask me where I’m going or when I’ll be home, woman” cuz, unfortch, it’s rarely, “Woman, I love you so much.” That only worked with John and Yoko, and their love didn’t last.

Show Me The Way, Peter Frampton

Groovy older acid heads, or a blind spouse marrying a sighted one.

Fade Into You

This is the song to choose if you are a couple of depressed Goths (are there any other kind?) who may end up committing a really romantic double suicide at some point, because love, is forever, like diamonds and inner darkness.

Jessica Delfino is a comedian, songwriter and artist in New York who is getting married. And she is writing about it on FnS. You can see Jessica performing and presenting two new videos at the Funny Girls on Film Festival at the Soho Gallery for Digital Art in NYC on Friday, July 8 at 7 pm with a bunch of other women like Jena Friedman.

Comments

  1. Those ARE some dumb ass songs. I don’t remember what we danced to as our “first dance”…but I remember the last song of the night was Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf…definitely a sign of impending doom. And our marriage was doomed from the start. Divorced 9 years later.

  2. My favorite is “Every Breath You Take” by the Police. Because it’s about a dude who’s STALKING SOMEONE. This poor woman never gets a moment of privacy, because her creepy ex is always watching her. He’s probably staked out right now, in an apartment across the street with binoculars or something. Listen to the WORDS, people.

  3. tracifoust says:

    My brother’s was Billy Idol’s WHITE WEDDING. My first one was ALWAYS by Atlantic Star. Not cool

  4. We couldn’t settle on a first-dance song, so we let the band pick. We didn’t know what they would play until we stepped onto the dance floor.
    They played a really nice cover of “Always & Forever” — which was most famously covered by Luther Vandross, but I liked ours better ;)
    We never would have chosen it on our own, but as it turned out, it is the PERFECT “us” song. Happy accident or kismet? Dunno. But it was incredibly romantic.

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