American H.O.A.R by “Victoria Jackson”

American H.O.A.R : Spreading the Awareness – by “Victoria Jackson”
by Traci Foust and Iraqi Vet, Tyler Jones

Hi everyone! As you all know, this “Independence” Day kicks off the tour of my first presidential campaign: Hand standing up for the Obligation of American Restoration (HOAR) My mission is the same as it has been since the first time I voted way back in 2000, to keep my country from the disabling grips of communism and homosexuality. So far my campaign trail has lead me to many wonderful folks who are just as worried as I am about socialism and gay things like everyone having access to health care, fire stations and marriage.  Last week I stopped in Tempe Arizona, and aside from triple digit temperatures, all the New Age Jesus haters in Sedona and illegal Mexicans setting fire to practically the entire state, my trip has been great so far.  I even had the chance to sit down with retired military personnel Tyler Jones. Tyler is a young outspoken man who is just as angry about the wrong turn our country has taken as I am. I could totally tell by his numerous tattoos and piercings, this man is a jaded veteran, furious and crude in the aftermath of the treatment he and his comrades received from liberal haters and the misguiding of the “Commander in Chief”.  Plus, our initials rhyme which I believe may be a sign from the Lord that it’s ok to talk to him.

VJ: Mr. Jones it’s so nice of you to speak with me today and answer my questions. Considering how confusing life must be for someone who fought so hard to free our nation of terrorism only to come back to the states and find the real terror has just begun right here at home.

TJ: Uh huh. Thanks Vickie. Not exactly sure what you mean by the real terror at home, though.

VJ: Well, let’s begin with the gay agenda smokescreen the Obama Administration provides by means of supporting  “don’t ask don’t tell”. When I first heard this phrase I was all, Oh, so this is something good because my youth minister said this a lot at summer Bible camp, but when I found out what this whole agenda was really about I was like, Gross! It’s basically just an excuse for “women” to indulge in boy things like flying helicopters and wearing combat boots. An obvious ploy for the encouragement of lesbianism. It’s such a disgrace to real women everywhere.

TJ: A Disgrace? You mean like those frilly bows you insist on wearing? The ones that make you look like more of a moron than even Sarah Palin?

VJ: Well the bows are a testament to femininity and I’m so glad you noticed. But let me set the record straight when I say I know for a fact Sarah Palin has nothing to do with the Latter Day Saints. You’re thinking of that other guy.

TJ: Um… OK. But Ma’am, if I may, I’m no fashion guru, what with my tattoos and all, but I think you’d actually look smarter if you lose the bows. Palin, doesn’t wear bows in her hair, and I have to tell you, she’s smoking hot and makes parts of me do handstands too, if you know what I mean. Maybe you should take a page out of her playbook and put it to use.

VJ: Ha-ha! That’s awesome Mr. Jones. Football talk is pretty popular with military guys, huh? Ok, I’m totally on board with that T-Dog. I grew up in Florida so I’m also “smoking hot” on that verbiage.  Hey, if that’s what we need to do to get our country back into shape, you know what I mean T-Dog? It’s this kind of American manliness that’s gonna keep all the Glee lovers out of the military. And let me apologize from the bottom of my heart that you had to go through the horrors of having to work with those types of “men.”

TJ: Thanks, but I seriously don’t give a damn if any man in my unit is straight or gay. The real issue is how well he can operate the weapons and do his job. When the rounds are flying down-range a person’s sexuality means nothing. I think so many people are ignorant and afraid of the fact that some folks are born gay, or black. Or stupid.

VJ: Mr. Jones thank you so much for pointing out how saturated our military is with this kind of rainbow flag nonsense. “Man in my unit” and “Flying down-range”  are obviously some sort of code for “Let’s change the colors of the American Flag to sangria, zaffre and linen.” I hope you won’t get into trouble for disclosing this because the corruption of family values is the highlight of my platform. So tell me this, what does a man who has fought against the Egyptians to keep Americans free think about the socialism downward spiral Obama has forced upon this country? I mean, just the idea of taxpaying citizen’s hard-earned money being used for drive-thru abortions or a child’s chemotherapy when it’s not even their own kid—gosh, where does this evil socialism stop?

TJ: Well Vickie I’m sure you are aware, though probably not, tax payer money is part of many things some consider disagreeable. The military for instance. Everyone pays for the military whether or not they agree on war. Take you and your Tea Party, you all pay for the funding of libraries even though you may not agree with the radical idea of books.

VJ: OK, sure but that’s really not a fair comparison. I mean, we’re talking about tanks and bombs and everything that’s necessary to keep this country safe from the Moroccans. Doesn’t that have to come first? Otherwise our  books may someday all be printed in Farsi or Iraqian.

TJ:  Oh Lord, are you serious? Really? Iraqian? But that’s not even—I mean, it’s not—

VJ: …No longer a threat to US citizens? I know. And it’s all because of the brave men such as yourself who put their lives on the line to uphold our freedom.

TJ: Wow. It almost seems as though you would prefer the US to become a Christian version of Iran.

VJ: Mr. Jones that’s brilliant!  A lot of top-heavy girls look great in all black. Plus, there’d be like no pressure to go school. I mean, aside from the wrong God and unibrows, heck, you may be onto something here. Not that such a practical idea matters anyway because I guarantee you this, as long as we have a communist in the White House a woman’s right to be the subservient leader God intended her to be will not only be frowned upon, but with Michelle Obama encouraging women to set their employment prospects in science and technology instead of something useful like tap dancing and stickers, well the entire placement of straight women everywhere could be completely silenced.

TJ: And speaking of totally silenced. You should sever your vocal chords. I think that would be a giant step forward in the restoration of our country.

VJ: Oh wow. See, military people can really be smart. That’s a great idea. Make a silent statement. Like when Michael Douglas put duct tape over his mouth when he turned away from America and started siding with the terrorists. I’m going to tell Sarah about this idea, this is cutting edge stuff right here. She’s taking me moose hunting next month. We’re having a non-gay sister bonding trip. Can you believe it? Me hunting? I’ve never picked up a rifle in my life. Any suggestions from a weapons expert like yourself?

TJ: Well, there really is no secret to being a good shot. The only thing I can tell you is the whole “safety first” idea is actually part of the liberal campaign to put an end to American’s rights to bear arms.

VJ: Seriously? Oh my Gosh, I love this! I’ve got like total inside information. On behalf of everyone working my HOAR campaign thank you so much for speaking with me and sharing this great stuff. Any other advice before I have to go?

TJ: Yeah, If you really want to make an impression on your hunting trip, you should know that a real American never checks or cleans her rifle with the barrel pointing away from her face. If a true hunter sees you doing this they’ll think you’re a gay communist.

Traci Foust is the Author of Nowhere Near Normal- A Memoir of OCD. She is currently working on her next book, cautionary tales of vodka, vicodin and vaginas. Her meds have recently been adjusted to include a steady diet of Oreos and Velveeta cheese.

Tyler Jones is an egomaniac, the greatest writer (of sorts), a comic book fiend, a graduate student at ASU and a veteran of the Iraq war. When not in the classroom or spending time with his wife, he avoids household chores and stupid people by playing X-Box online, which does nothing to help his anger/douche bag/narcissistic issues.


  1. One of the funniest essays I’ve seen on the topic of this nut case!

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