Choose the perfect wedding dress with Jessica Delfino

Jessica Delfino is getting married and she is writing about it on Funny not Slutty. Jessica has been searching for the perfect wedding dress and shares some of her most exciting finds.

Before you buy this dress, take a short pre-qualifing exam:
Are you 14? Are you getting married against your will to a man 30 years your senior? Are you Asian? Are you a woman who
was never allowed to play? If you answered “yes” to one or more questions, well, this dress is for you, milady — I mean, michild.

OMG, this is the perrrrfect dress if you collect injured pigeons
or if you are Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”

If you’re not sure if you even really
want to get married at all and maybe just lament not
going to prom, here’s your dress! BTW, A prom is a
lot like a wedding. You ride in a limo, dance to some
crappy 80s music and maybe lose your virginity in a
hotel. Except this time, it’s more likely to be anal virginity.

This is your wedding dress if you are not
really getting married, but are actually just
an unrealistic coat hanger woman who is
getting paid a few thou to put it on for the cameras .

This is your wedding dress if you just
woke up from a coma and have no idea
what a wedding is — Either that or you are
the daughter of royalty or a famous artist
or a trust fund person who can just do whatever
the hell you want to.

Do you want to embarrass everyone at your
wedding, especially your parents and your
groom? Then this dress is for you!

This dress is described as “the dress you might
have dreamed of since you were a little girl” and
that might be true, but only because I thought
those big balls in the front were wads of cotton
candy.

Bride: Hello, I was wondering if you can make me a
beautiful dress for the most special day of my life?

Dressmaker: I have a bad connection, did you say,
“Can you make my wedding dress look awkward, tacky and resemble
something a clown with downs might wear?” You got it! $4,000 please!

Jon Benet? Whoever that girl is,
get her a padded bra fer crissakes!

When I was a little girl, I used to dream of
marrying a chef, and I would be dressed up
like a Christmas tree, and now my dream has
come true.

One part British lawyer, one part Russian doll, one part giant tampon.

Jessica Delfino is a comedian, songwriter and artist in New York who is getting married. And she is writing about it on FnS. You can see Jessica performing and presenting two new videos at the Funny Girls on Film Festival at the Soho Gallery for Digital Art in NYC on Friday, July 8 at 7 pm with a bunch of other women like Jena Friedman.

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