Jersey Shore Etiquette: A PSA – Melissa Larson

By Melissa Larson

From one New Jersey beach and boardwalk lover to another, I’ve put together a Public Service Announcement for my fellow Jersey Shore goers.  These are my top ten suggestions to help us all—families, young people, old people, Bennies, and natives—to get along as we share these precious few months of summer bliss. 

People who stalk the Jersey Shore cast in Seaside Heights:  I don’t need to be shoved by roided-up security guards when I’m trying to take my run down the boardwalk, just so you can follow Snooki and Ronnie and Dip-Dip with your camera phones.  They are not the Beatles.  They are people who’ve been rewarded for behaving badly, and look at you, pumping in more quarters.  There are times in life when you are a part of the problem and not the solution.  This is one of them.

Families with strollers and young children:  I think it’s great that you are taking the kiddies to the boardwalk rather than keep them inside, watching DVDs.  But there is no need to walk horizontally, seven people across, hogging up the entire boardwalk so that nobody can possibly get by you.  Break it up, break it up.

Young men:  Please stop cupping your junk as you walk along.  This does not fool the young women into thinking that you are packing.  You just look stupid.  When the crotch of your shorts is hanging a foot below where the goods should be, we all know that you’re just grabbing your shorts. 

Young women:  Those shirts that have been slashed by Freddie Krueger are not a good look for J.Woww, and they are not a good look for you, either.  Remember:  just because it’s for sale doesn’t mean that it will make you look cute or that it’s even safe.  Same goes for tanning salons, but that’s for another list.

Teenage girls:  Please do not walk around the boardwalk wearing only your bikini when it is sixty degrees outside.  It pains us all to see you, at nine o’clock in the morning, barefoot on the boardwalk and shivering like a wet Chihuahua.  Put on a sweatshirt and a pair of shorts, and show the world your bikini on a better day.  I realize you want to show off your nice shape, but you just look…cold.

 

Old sweaty men at the bar:  Don’t bother buying those young hot girls drinks.  They are not going to sleep with you.  And if they do, they have either serious father issues, a personality disorder, or a presumption that you are dying to buy them a new Audi.

All people wearing thong bathing suits:  This is not Europe.  We are not there yet.  And you aren’t either.

Women who are overweight yet wearing bikinis:  I love you.  Please write a book on maintaining a positive body image in this absurd, I-can-only-have-a-stomach-if-I’m-pregnant culture ASAP.  And if anyone says that you “shouldn’t wear that,” just strangle them with your bikini top.

People who like to smoke on the beach:  You know what, it’s your right.  And it’s nice that we still have a few civil liberties left, even if I don’t love cigarette smoke blowing my way.  Just do me a solid:  please throw the extinguished butt in the trash when you are done.  There’s nothing like trying to spread out a towel over a pile of cigarette butts.

Natives who yell “get the hell out of here BENNY!” when a weekender gets lost and has to make a U-Turn on the native’s street:  Um, it’s going to happen.  In case you haven’t noticed, you live in a beach town.  Extra people will show up during the season, and they will lose their way and have to bang a Uey on your street.  They might make noise at night; their dog might go wee on your grass (or your pebbles); these people might even go wee themselves on said grass or pebbles.  It’s going to happen.  So stop shaking your fist and take a Xanax.  They are keeping most of your local businesses afloat.  If you can’t handle this, then move to North Dakota.

 Melissa Larson is a Benny who married a semi-native man.  She can be seen running up and down the Seaside Heights boardwalk, dodging reality-show chasers and trying to keep her dogs—and friends—from peeing on people’s pebbled lawns.

Comments

  1. Judy Brown says:

    Perfect…!

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