by Natalie Wall
America,
There is an epidemic that’s going on in the world today, and it’s called “bad-sex-name-fluenza”. It’s a silent killer, well, silent killer of the mood that is. Worse than gas, it strikes at a moment of pure ecstasy, leaving the victim feeling sexually repulsed/ dirty/ trying to remember the Hot-Pocket theme song. We can’t stand for this anymore, America. I’m so sick of holding back vomit while I have sex. I should get Oscars my performances.
America this must stop now, and yes I know…it would be so much fun to make fun of our own kids mercilessly for such a sucky ass name, but think about their sex life. We can only hope your partner’s genes ruin your child’s chance at a normal social life…fingers crossed.
So since you didn’t ask, I’m going to give you my unsolicited list of Top 35 Worst Sex Names:
1.Jesus
2. Barbie
3. Eunice
4. Schuyler
5. Kenneth
6. Clarence
7. Vernon
8. Osama
9. Princess
10. Brooklyn
11. Cherry
12. Rod
13. Butch
14. Gaylord
15. Stuart
16. Pansy
17. Wang
18. Tracy (for a boy)
19. Rodger
20. Daria
21.Chucky
22. Angelica
23. La—aa
24. Sloth (it’s a little inside I know)
25. Kimberly
26. Kris (Yes, we can hear the K)
27. Destiny (what are you hoping you’re son becomes a tranny?)
28. Johnson
29. Greta
30. Flower
31. Chair (Don’t think it won’t happen)
32. Duke
33. Precious (Does it make your parents sad that their “Precious” is a whore now?)
34. Jeb
35. Adolf (It’s still too soon.)
If you’re pregnant…congratulations (don’t expect of gift). But think for one god damn second before you name your child Barbie… or worse…Keith… We ain’t naming a dog/cat/cactus here now are we?
Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comdian but the reality is she is unemployed college graduate living with her parents. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).
*what are you hoping, your son becomes a tranny?)
HAHAHA!!! Love it, reminds me of When Harry Met Sally.. “No, you DID NOT have great sex with someone named Sheldon.” Great job
Appreciated. A dear friend and I made up a similar list one very slow night when we worked together in a restaurant years ago. We call it “The Unfuckables”. She still has the list.
When it comes right down to it, based on name alone, there are very few guys either of us would actually sleep with. (BTW, You forgot “Chaz”. Ugh.)
… or worse…Keith…
Bwahahahaha. I’ve never met a Keith I liked. Sorry to all you decent Keiths out there (wherever you are). You really need to mount a pro-Keith campaign or change your name.