Top 7 Places in US for Summer Vacation By “Victoria Jackson”

My Top Seven Favorite Places in America for Summer Vacation
By “Victoria Jackson”

by Blythe Jewell

1. Arkansas.
The men all wear shirts with the sleeves cut off, and there are, like, ZERO Muslims here!










2. Texas.
Rick Perry’s hair is the shit! I just want to do a handstand in it!








3. Alaska.
If it wasn’t sickening and an abomination and against everything that is holy, I would TOTALLY marry Sarah Palin and have her babies. I swear to God I would!











4. Disneyland.

Because Minnie Mouse looks awesome in her polka-dotted hair bow, and so do I – obviously. Who cares that I’m in my 50s and not a cartoon mouse? Not me!








5. San Francisco

All those gays just love me!








6. 1987.

The last place I was both funny and relevant.









7. Washington, D.C.
Because Obama is the communist Anti-Christ, and I’m pretty sure my amazing ukulele skills are all that can stop him.









Blythe Jewell is a wife, mom, sister, friend, writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass.  Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent, including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy.  She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person.  Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at  Also available for childrens’ parties.


  1. milli vanilli says:


  2. I love any and all digs at Larry the Cable Guy. Kudos!!

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