An Overdue Thank-You Note to the Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country

by Laura Burns

March 12, 2009

Dear Attractive President of a Substantially Sized Country,

Thank you for saving me $34.84 per month, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency, by recently passing legislation that reduced the amount of tax money withheld from my paycheck. Because of the magnitude of your generosity, and because I know you’ve got other things to take care of, I have decided to do your intel a favor by publicly detailing the manner in which I plan on spending this money over the next 30 days.

Item #1

When I go out to the bar this weekend to celebrate a holiday associated with drinking, I will buy myself a beer. Then, if a charming fellow offers to buy me a drink, I can slyly raise my bottle, indicating that I’m all set, instead of freaking out and only requesting water because I don’t trust the intentions of men. I think, if you were to offer me a drink, I would also only ask for a tap water because I wouldn’t want our relationship to be based on a fluke, drunken presidential-office hookup that would make you respect me less as a person. And I certainly wouldn’t want any of the above to happen on account of my not having any money to buy my own beer, which would undoubtedly cause me to accept your offer of a Red Bull vodka, which would inevitably lead to the consummation of our deep, romantic feelings towards each other.

$34.84 − $5.00 = $29.84, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency.

Item #2

The next thing I would like to invest in is a good breakfast at this excellent diner downtown that I went to one time. They have a delicious and various selection of eggs, bacon, Belgian waffles, crepes, and the like. Because the morning after is going to be so rough for me, once I realize that you and I will never work out because we’re going in two completely different directions. I mean, you’ve got to manage our substantially sized nation’s economy, and I still have an outstanding payment at a health club located in a wealthy suburb that used predatory tactics to rope me into a full-year contract, which I promptly cancelled, but still I fear they are out to get me. Plus, I’m addicted to caffeinated beverages, reasonably priced designer clothes, and digital keychain pets.

$29.84 − $10.50 = $19.34, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency.

Item #3

$9.34, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency, I will put towards my electric bill. Last month, it was around that much. That’s because I spent most of the time in my room with the lights off, crying because I will never feel the springy fleece of your famous dog’s coat. I wrote a haiku about it. Do you want to hear? Okay, then: “We skip, jump, and play \ with the president all day \ only in my dreams.”

$19.34 − $9.34 = $10.00, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency.

Item #4

The remaining money I will spend when I leave home spontaneously to lead a street life in a rural tourist city. I will make three trips to a hole-in-the-wall bar vacation goers are wary of being within 5 miles of, where I will each time buy a watery draft for the bargain-barrel price of $3.00, or its equivalent in our nation’s currency. There, I will eat popcorn and crayon stubs off of the floor while singing uplifting patriotic anthems in a minor key. The final dollar, I will dispense of, upon seeing a similarly downtrodden twenty-something with popcorn bits in her eyebrows and mahogany-colored wax trailing from the corner of her mouth to her earlobe. For I will know, in that moment, the whole of what you have done for our country.

Remember, you made us love you.

Thanks again!,

[My Full Name]

Laura Burns is a writer and comedian based out of Boston. Previous publications include The Garnet, Seed Magazine, and The Rumpus Readers Report. Her sketch group, Friends of Gertrude, was an official selection of the 2010 Philly Sketchfest and 2011 North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival. She really, really enjoys bacon.

Comments

  1. tracifoust says:

    HAHAHAHA!!!! Springy fleece haiku!!!! Friggin AWESOME!!!

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