5 Songs Proving Everyone Was High and Horny in the 70s

by Blythe Jewell

high-and-horny


1. Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
, Rupert Holmes

 

The first line of this song goes:  “I was tired of my lady, we’d been together too long.” It’s pretty much downhill from there.

It’s your basic boy-gets-sick-of-girl, boy-decides-to-cheat-on-girl, boy-cruises-personals-for-whore-to-cheat-with, boy-meets-up-with-whore, boy- is-shocked-to-find-out-WHORE-IS-GIRL story.

High-laaarious!! Such a funny coincidence! I’m sure if we ever found ourselves in that position, my husband and I would just laugh and laugh and laugh.

All the way to divorce court.

 

2. Yummy Yummy Yummy, Ohio Express

 

This is the most adorable way I’ve ever heard someone say, “I want to eat your pussy.”

 

3. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy, Rod Stewart

 

“If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, come on sugar let me know.”

He sang this wearing a leopard-print shirt, ankle boots and shiny hot pants. Without irony.

Um, no Rod. I don’t, in fact, find you sexy. Nope. Not even a little bit. Thanks for playing.

 

4. You Never Done It Like That, The Captain and Tenielle

 

From the same team who brought us the rousing sex anthem Muskrat Love and the romantic Do That To Me One More Time, this is, in essence, a congratulatory tune in recognition of one man’s improved sexual prowess. With encouraging lines like “Ooooh, whos been teaching you?” and “Hey there old man, I want to shake your hand,” Tenielle is like a proud coach after winning the big game.

 

5. Imaginary Lover, Atlanta Rhythm Section

 

This guy’s got a date with himself tonight, and my guess is he’ll be stopping at Walgreen’s on the way home for some lotion and a box of tissues.

When ordinary lovers don’t feel what you feel
And real-life situations lose their thrill — Imagination’s unreal

Soooo… sounds to me like someone’s maybe just a *little* too kinky for his own good. Time to get that tube sock ready!

Imaginary lovers never disagree. They always care
They’re always there when you need — Satisfaction guaranteed

You tell ‘em, dude! That’s right! FUCK those stupid bitches at the singles bar who weren’t interested in your midget porn collection. Who needs them, when you’ve got an Imaginary Lover, just waiting for you to abuse when you get home tonight?

Basically, everything about this song is hideous and awful. And awesome.

 

Blythe Jewell

Blythe Jewell is a freelance writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass based out of Austin, Texas. Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy. She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person. Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/. Also available for childrens’ parties.

Comments

  1. OH gaaah!!

    But this is fantastic.

    SO right..how did I miss it?

    Oh, yeah: my mind wasn’t in the gutter. Yet.

    Took like and now being a dirty old lady to get it there.

    I loved this, Bejewell: that’s why I stumbled, tweeted, FB’d.

    This is wonderful.

  2. I laughed so hard I may have peed my pants.

    Then I made my husband watch.

    (I didn’t tell him about wetting myself. Because you know. I’m his old lady and I don’t want him looking elsewhere…)

    Can you believe he had never realized what the Pina Colada song was about?
    Hilarious AND educational.

    Pretty damn awesome.

  3. mommabird2345 says:

    I’m surprised “Afternoon Delight” wasn’t on this list. I know the “Pina Colada Song” talks about cheating on each other, only to find out it was your lady & you, but it’s such a catchy little song. :)

  4. I think I was conceived to that song.

  5. Is it sad that I’m nostalgic for my childhood thinking about these songs?

    Yes.

    Sad and disturbing.

    Thanks for that harrowing walk down memory lane.

    Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam/ Do the jitterbug in Muskrat Land . . .

  6. I’m sure I rode around in the backseat of my sister’s Cadillac, unbuckled of course while she was smoking, singing along to these without a care in the world.

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