Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.
I am about to move to a very small town, where I will no doubt immediately alienate most of the population, terrify some and enrage the rest. Do you think I should I buy a red or yellow bicycle for the road raging event that I am sure will see the end of me?
Dear Small Town,
Oh, honey, RED! A red bicycle. Red is the color of rage and menstrual blood and your eyes when they glitter with malice.
Red, dearest, is your color, and therefore your bicycle’s color. You want to coordinate your accessories for such a momentous occasion – and all this bullshit about how it’s o.k. to wear a brown belt and black shoes is just a means for people who don’t understand the genius of Karl Lagerfeld to try and think they are “fun” and “trendy”. They are also the idiots who use their fingers to make air quotes. It’s perfectly acceptable to use your gardening shears to cut their fingers off. [I’m assuming your red bicycle will have a lovely, daisy decorated hamper where you can store your shears, your vodka and your Isadora Duncan scarf, as your end will come in a rather dramatic fashion.]
Plus, yellow is for pussies.
Be sure to wear some red lipstick so that you’re camera ready for when you succumb to the road rage. It’ll show up well in both the color images that will inevitably deluge the World Wide Web of you beating a hapless convertible-driving-douchebag with your red bicycle helmet, as well as the black and white newsprint photos that your fans will cut out with their safety scissors to keep in their scrapbooks.
As Rage Against the Machine always says, your anger is a gift. This one will keep on giving.
How do you attract agents?
My understanding of attracting agents is it’s pretty easy – all you have to know is a lot of government secrets. Once it’s out there that you know missile launch codes, you will be attracting agents from such far-flung places as That One Country That Hates Us and That Other Country That Loves Weapons. Popularity is just around the corner.
If you’re interested in attracting literary or creative artist type agents, you will have far more difficulty. It’s pretty much a given that in order to sell anything you create – your writing, your art work, your offspring – you need to have an agent to take 15% off the top so that they can pretend to be Ari Gold and fuck Mrs. Ari. But in order to get an agent, you need to show that you have interest from a publisher/record label/black market adoption mill, which will ignore you until you have an agent. It’s a non-stop fun ride of depression and aggravation and despair, making you wonder if your day job editing spreadsheets isn’t a good enough creative outlet.
Anyway. You want an agent. I’m here to help. Here are a few basic rules you should follow – with no guarantee of results. However, if you do get results, remember who knew you when. You’ll need to show a potential agent that you are professional and that you have something saleable. So, you’ll need to:
Come up with a good pitch. Refrain from eccentric spelling and interesting fonts and overlong explanations. Also, avoid exclamation points. Frankly, just stop using those altogether in any situation. Few things are that exciting. Be succinct and honest. Don’t toady, don’t act superior, and for the love of god, DO NOT hound people.
Perfect your work. Edit, revise, proofread, and then have someone else edit, revise and proofread. Make sure it’s not just good enough – it’s got to be perfect. And make sure it’s the right fit.
Establish a presence. People are more interested in something if other people are interested. Also, if you can show a potential agent that you are working at marketing yourself, you not only show that you’re serious about being creative as a business, but that you’re coming to them with some of the legwork done.
Finally, ask around. Some people have agents. Some people know agents. Some of those people will share that information. DO NOT EMBARRASS THIS PERSON WHO IS HELPING YOU IN ANY WAY. That’s just fucking wrong on so many levels and will bite you in the ass big time.
Hopefully this will help. Then you just need to figure out your touchdown dance and/or practice the statement you’re going to make when your cockfighting ring is discovered.
Looking forward to reading about you in The Daily Beast,