Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.
What I want to know is this: how the hell does the Gwyneth have the nerve to tweet us from an Indian Spice Market in London to tell us we aren’t really living life if we’re not using freshly ground curry at 56 bucks an ounce?
How the heck does she think her life is NORMAL? Is she stupid? Does she really think we all live like her? Really…is she stupid?????
WHY IS GWYNETH? AND WHO THE FUCK IS EVEN CALLED ‘GWYNETH’??
Dear Alexandra and Sarah,
Oh, my darling dears. Oh, you wonderful, lovely people.
WHY IS GWYNETH?
Because she is misery. Because she is oblivion. Because she is a plague on all right-thinking people.
Because she is a walking, talking canker sore.
Now, as surprising as this may seem, I am generally not one to be particularly hateful. I’m pretty much a live and let live person, so long as the people who are living are behaving appropriately and not making menaces of themselves. If people are behaving inappropriately, I don’t want anything to do with them. If you want to spend your time making sex tapes and acting the fool, then do so, but stay out of my way. And by out of my way, I mean I don’t want to fucking hear about it, not even one goddamn bit. [Except, I confess, that I did watch about 2 minutes of the Paris Hilton sex tape and, come on, the people in porn are better actors. There have never been two people more bored to be having sex ever in the history of sex. Also, I kind of want to see that Tommy Lee tape everyone’s been talking about.]
Now Gwyneth [You know who is called Gwyneth? Over-bred and under-talented people who think that accident of birth makes them fantastic. You think George W. Bush’s first name is actually George? Bitch, please.] has been a thorn in my side ever since I was made aware of her idiocy lo these many years ago. While I am not a person who reads glossy magazines [mostly because I have zero patience for people telling me what to buy, be or do – I KNOW, DELICIOUS IRONY], I do go to the doctor and dentist and before I realized that touching public magazines is an invitation for germs to set up camp in your immune system, I would happen upon some bit of idiocy that GP ladled out of her pea broth brain, like “Buy your kids $750 rain boots!” and “A cleanse is the best way to heal your body!” and “I can act AND sing!” and it would start to annoy me to the point where I had to pretend that I was on the phone talking to someone so I could vent at the unabashed twattery. “I know,” I would say into my dead silent flip phone, “I can’t believe she said that either!” because I found that was less likely to have me escorted from the premises than walking up to every other person in the waiting room and saying, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHO TELLS PEOPLE THAT ‘AS A HOME COOK, THE BEST THING I’VE EVER DONE IS BUILD A WOODBURNING OVEN IN THE BACKYARD’ LIKE THAT IS IN THE REALM OF THE REAL?”
So, yes, basically, she is stupid. Because anyone with an OUNCE of self-awareness, anyone who is able to see beyond the end of their vegan nose, would understand that being raised in a life of privilege and then continuing to live a life of privilege DOES NOT make you the same as everyone. The very idea that you could even for one second think that you’re just like everyone else and everyone else is obviously ready to drop everything and spend about a third of their weekly grocery money on AN OUNCE OF CURRY makes you a massive fucking asshole. Marie Antoinette wasn’t this oblivious.
Going to get a cool cloth for my forehead and have a lie down,
How do you build your reader platform?
Looking for Reader Love
If a writer writes, but no one reads it, does it even matter?
Sure, if you’re J.D. Salinger. Not so much if you’re a mere mortal who is trying to build a presence online so that you can garner some much needed attention and show a potential publisher/agent/PR firm that you matter on the World Wide Web.
While I would love it if there were a simple A B C of building a reader platform, the unfortunate truth is that one size does not fit all, and if I knew how to build a substantial reader platform, I would be so well known that I wouldn’t have to go through the metal detectors at the airport.
So I’ll tell you what I’ve done to get to a respectable readership level: Write. Write something you’re mostly happy with and then, and this is most important, comment on other blogs. But don’t comment indiscriminately. Comment on blogs that you actually give a shit about. That you find funny, or smart, or genuine. These people will find you engaging, and suddenly, you’re part of a group. This will allow you to build a group of dedicated readers organically, and those people? So. Fucking. Awesome. I don’t have super-fantastic blog numbers, but they’re quite impressive to me and I’m pleased that people love to come read my screeds. This takes a while to come to fruition and a lot of time dedicated to making friends online. But again, worth it.
Other things you might try:
Posting nude photos. These can be of yourself, or, if you’re interested in generating a lot of traffic, nude photos of celebs. Those are always a big deal and will get you a lot of hits by potential readers [or voyeurs], some of whom might stick around to read your words of wisdom. This may also lead to you being either pigeonholed as that person who posts nudies pics of themselves, or it may lead to a lawsuit. You need to decide your threshold.
Linking your post to a Blog Hop or Writing Prompt or Meme Thing. I would suggest doing this very, very sparingly. Really think about the type of group that is involved in the particular prompt – are your rants about the demise of a civil society written in iambic pentameter really going to be the best fit in a group of moms who are more interested in figuring out how to score coupons?
Use that social media. I know, I know, I KNOW. But pick one thing and do that well. If you can get those people who Like you on Facebook or friend you on Twitter or . . . I’m still not sure what the hell Google+ does, but if you get a nice group going, you’ll be in a good position to get a bigger reader platform on your blog or website. Because people really, really enjoy spending their work hours online doing any and everything that is not part of their job description. It’s true.
Finally, don’t become obsessed with numbers. I attended [is that even the right word?] a webinar on social media platforms and found that pretty much any number is a good number. So I probably know nothing. Except, you know, how to boss people. Which could get me enough readers to lead my minions into battle to rule the INTERNET.
Not that I’m planning anything.
Yours in solidarity, Sister,