Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 3

 

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.

 

Dear Suniverse,

What I want to know is this: how the hell does the Gwyneth have the nerve to tweet us from an Indian Spice Market in London to tell us we aren’t really living life if we’re not using freshly ground curry at 56 bucks an ounce?

How the heck does she think her life is NORMAL? Is she stupid? Does she really think we all live like her? Really…is she stupid?????

Alexandra

 

Dear Suniverse,

WHY IS GWYNETH? AND WHO THE FUCK IS EVEN CALLED ‘GWYNETH’??

Sarah xxx

 

Dear Alexandra and Sarah,

Oh, my darling dears. Oh, you wonderful, lovely people. 

WHY IS GWYNETH?

Because she is misery.  Because she is oblivion.  Because she is a plague on all right-thinking people.

Because she is a walking, talking canker sore.

Now, as surprising as this may seem, I am generally not one to be particularly hateful.  I’m pretty much a live and let live person, so long as the people who are living are behaving appropriately and not making menaces of themselves.  If people are behaving inappropriately, I don’t want anything to do with them.  If you want to spend your time making sex tapes and acting the fool, then do so, but stay out of my way.  And by out of my way, I mean I don’t want to fucking hear about it, not even one goddamn bit.  [Except, I confess, that I did watch about 2 minutes of the Paris Hilton sex tape and, come on, the people in porn are better actors.  There have never been two people more bored to be having sex ever in the history of sex.  Also, I kind of want to see that Tommy Lee tape everyone’s been talking about.]

Anyway.

Now Gwyneth [You know who is called Gwyneth? Over-bred and under-talented people who think that accident of birth makes them fantastic.  You think George W. Bush’s first name is actually George? Bitch, please.] has been a thorn in my side ever since I was made aware of her idiocy lo these many years ago.  While I am not a person who reads glossy magazines [mostly because I have zero patience for people telling me what to buy, be or do – I KNOW, DELICIOUS IRONY], I do go to the doctor and dentist and before I realized that touching public magazines is an invitation for germs to set up camp in your immune system, I would happen upon some bit of idiocy that GP ladled out of her pea broth brain, like “Buy your kids $750 rain boots!” and “A cleanse is the best way to heal your body!” and “I can act AND sing!” and it would start to annoy me to the point where I had to pretend that I was on the phone talking to someone so I could vent at the unabashed twattery. “I know,” I would say into my dead silent flip phone, “I can’t believe she said that either!” because I found that was less likely to have me escorted from the premises than walking up to every other person in the waiting room and saying, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHO TELLS PEOPLE THAT ‘AS A HOME COOK, THE BEST THING I’VE EVER DONE IS BUILD A WOODBURNING OVEN IN THE BACKYARD’ LIKE THAT IS IN THE REALM OF THE REAL?”

*Deep breath*

So, yes, basically, she is stupid.  Because anyone with an OUNCE of self-awareness, anyone who is able to see beyond the end of their vegan nose, would understand that being raised in a life of privilege and then continuing to live a life of privilege DOES NOT make you the same as everyone.  The very idea that you could even for one second think that you’re just like everyone else and everyone else is obviously ready to drop everything and spend about a third of their weekly grocery money on AN OUNCE OF CURRY makes you a massive fucking asshole.  Marie Antoinette wasn’t this oblivious.

Going to get a cool cloth for my forehead and have a lie down,

Suniverse

———————————————————————————————————


Dear Suniverse,


How do you build your reader platform?

Looking for Reader Love

 

Dear Looking,

If a writer writes, but no one reads it, does it even matter?

Sure, if you’re J.D. Salinger.  Not so much if you’re a mere mortal who is trying to build a presence online so that you can garner some much needed attention and show a potential publisher/agent/PR firm that you matter on the World Wide Web.

While I would love it if there were a simple A B C of building a reader platform, the unfortunate truth is that one size does not fit all, and if I knew how to build a substantial reader platform, I would be so well known that I wouldn’t have to go through the metal detectors at the airport. 

So I’ll tell you what I’ve done to get to a respectable readership level:  Write.  Write something you’re mostly happy with and then, and this is most important, comment on other blogs.  But don’t comment indiscriminately.  Comment on blogs that you actually give a shit about.  That you find funny, or smart, or genuine.  These people will find you engaging, and suddenly, you’re part of a group.  This will allow you to build a group of dedicated readers organically, and those people? So. Fucking. Awesome.  I don’t have super-fantastic blog numbers, but they’re quite impressive to me and I’m pleased that people love to come read my screeds.  This takes a while to come to fruition and a lot of time dedicated to making friends online.  But again, worth it.

Other things you might try:

Posting nude photos. These can be of yourself, or, if you’re interested in generating a lot of traffic, nude photos of celebs.  Those are always a big deal and will get you a lot of hits by potential readers [or voyeurs], some of whom might stick around to read your words of wisdom.  This may also lead to you being either pigeonholed as that person who posts nudies pics of themselves, or it may lead to a lawsuit.  You need to decide your threshold.

Linking your post to a Blog Hop or Writing Prompt or Meme Thing.  I would suggest doing this very, very sparingly.  Really think about the type of group that is involved in the particular prompt – are your rants about the demise of a civil society written in iambic pentameter really going to be the best fit in a group of moms who are more interested in figuring out how to score coupons?

Use that social media.  I know, I know, I KNOW.  But pick one thing and do that well.  If you can get those people who Like you on Facebook or friend you on Twitter or . . . I’m still not sure what the hell Google+ does, but if you get a nice group going, you’ll be in a good position to get a bigger reader platform on your blog or website.  Because people really, really enjoy spending their work hours online doing any and everything that is not part of their job description.  It’s true.

Finally, don’t become obsessed with numbers.  I attended [is that even the right word?] a webinar on social media platforms and found that pretty much any number is a good number.  So I probably know nothing.  Except, you know, how to boss people.  Which could get me enough readers to lead my minions into battle to rule the INTERNET.
Not that I’m planning anything.

Yours in solidarity, Sister,

Suniverse

 

 

Comments

  1. Dear The Suniverse:
    I know! Gwyneth, I just don’t get. And when I read her name, I want to buy a vowel. Her mother Blythe Danner on the other hand, I love. Except in Brighton Beach Memoirs, where she was miscast, but that’s neither here nor there. Actually, it’s there. Also, thank you for the good advice on building a strong readership. I was especially thrilled that you did it without saying the word “brand.”

  2. I am HONORED that you are inspired. Excellent takedown!

  3. Oh, Suni:

    your advise here. True, still clever and so witty, but true.

    Yes: to building a reader platform.

    It’s not all about the numbers.

    If only the newbies (not NOOBIES) knew that.

    Love to have you here, Suni, I so much do.

  4. Never really been a big fan of GP. Not sure what it is about her,..but something… maybe the name of children,..Mango and Pistachio?..or, something. It really annoyed when she appeared on Lisa Kudrow’s Who Do You Think You Are. (At times, depending on the guest.) Anyway, it was revealed there that GP was related to a famous Cantor from the 1800s! Oy! That’s all she needs added to her ego,..”Holy-holy” Oy!..

    Down with GP!
    -Adriana

  5. Here’s what I’m taking away from this: posting nude pictures of that vacuous idiot Gwyneth Paltrow will garner me more readers which is totally worth it even if it ends in a law suit. Thanks, Sunny:)

  6. hmm..I am may have to borrow your nude picture of his hotness: David Beckham.

    Thanks for the great advice!!

  7. Dear Sunny: I’m thinking that it wouldn’t be possible for me to love you more than I do. Entire worlds would collapse and disintegrate from the force of that love. Just sayin’.

  8. You rock my world.

    Seriously.

    XOXO

    p.s. Marie Antoinette? Hi-freakin-larious.

  9. Does this mean we can behead Gwyneth now? I’ll bring the guillotine.

    Suniverse, you rock!

  10. Ah, my minions. I love you with the fire of a thousand suns.

    You make my shriveled heart whole.

    XO,

    Suniverse

  11. Okay, nude photos I am on it, and will post it tomorrow. Though the picture may cause me to lose a follower or two…

  12. Who is this Gwyneth that everyone speaks about and why is she telling us to build wood burning ovens in our backyards? I don’t have a backyard, but I don’t think anyone my neighborhood would mind if I construct one on the sidewalk in front of my building.

  13. oh, me oh my. i truly love your hatred for the gwyneth.

  14. “Why is Gwenneth?” may be the best question ever.

    I’ve found the best way to build a reader base is to post nude photos of your target audiences’ mothers.

  15. I had something completely inspiring to say and in fact I was going to share some hard earned advice but I’ve become so distracted by the wonderful comments and I must admit I paused for a few minutes to try to understand why she is always in the fucking news for doing nothing and then I got mad because I work on my stupid blog and even spent several days coming up with a decent name for it and she slaps something horrible together like GOOP and what the fuck is that? and has a huge readership!?!?! She irritates me so much that I am unable to use punctuation of any kind.

    What were you going to say?

  16. I love JOHN the best. And The Suniverse. And Keanu Reeves. DON’T JUDGE ME!

    Sarah xxx

  17. “Because she is misery” is actually the working title of Gwyneth’s new memoir.

  18. Omg!! I totally fucking love you. Thank you for the rant on dear little Gwyenth. Every time I see her fucking arrogant face I throw up a little in my mouth.
    I work a full time job raise a kid clean my own toilets and nag my husband. All while day dreaming of being skinny and rich. You know a normal life.
    She really is a puke.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Apple: Incipient Sibling Rivalry, Short and perhaps funny, The Suniverse The Suniverse just wrote a funny rant against Gwyneth Paltrow for Funny not Slutty, and it reminded me of the one thing that really irks me about that blond head [...]

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