by Anna Lefler
Author of The CHICKtionary:
From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know
Ah, womanhood. Just when you think you’ve got your game on, society – or your body – steps in and changes the rules.
It’s the perfect weekend for a romantic beach getaway? Not according to your uterus.
Your boyfriend is totally over his ex? Really? Let’s have a look in that coffee cup cabinet.
New gauchos for casual Friday? Um, we’re not doing that anymore.
Is there no end to the uniquely female annoyances we must face on a daily basis? Apparently not. On the upside, at least we have someone to talk to about these indignities: each other. And, because the bulk of the female experience is common to all women, we don’t have to waste time explaining ourselves.
However, if we did try to explain the challenges of womanhood to, say, a non-native speaker, the definitions might go something like this:
Cramps are your body’s way of saying, “Sisterhood, schmisterhood—I own your ass.” Cramps can be described as a series of abdominal pains that range from a dull ache to the sensation of being repeatedly flayed with barbeque tongs, with accompanying levels of discomfort starting at “meh” and maxing out somewhere near “MOTHER AIYEOWOWOW!” Cramps can strike at any time prior to, during, or after your monthly period (see also: the curse, Aunt Flo, Festival of Menses). It is interesting to note that if you track your cramps and determine the monthly point at which the discomfort is greatest, you can be assured that your body will behave entirely differently the following month. Popular remedies for cramps include over-the-counter painkillers, application of a heating pad on your abdomen, and leaving work for the day so at least you don’t have to have cramps and listen to your idiot boss.
A mystical and highly desirable state that encompasses all things female. The quality of freshness should be apparent in your breath, your demeanor, your laundry, your scent, your hair, the new skin underneath the scaly layer you’re making the rest of us look at, and your view of the world. Your approach should be fresh, along with your manicure/pedicure, and, if your make-up no longer looks fresh, then you should high-tail it to the ladies’ room and take care of that. Inattention to the myriad aspects of female freshness can lead to a condition known as catastrophic freshness fail (see also: not-so-fresh feeling).
Acronym for intrauterine device (not, as commonly believed, “in up ’dere”), the IUD is a form of contraception that involves planting a piece of plastic that looks like one of those floss-picker things into your uterus, where it floats around like Sputnik until your gynecologist (see also: gynie) removes it. Although the IUD produces several effects that work to prevent conception, its general method is to irritate and eventually piss off your uterus so much that it shuts the blinds, changes its phone number, blocks you on Facebook, and refuses to play nice with any of your partner’s sperm until the annoying device is removed.
Residual Girlfriend, noun
The annoying physical and/or emotional detritus that lingers from a previous relationship. Like that gray-brown stuff that hangs on in the corner of the shower stall no matter how hard you dig at it with your scrubby brush, the remains of previous relationships can be impossible to eradicate. As a result, you may find residual girlfriend cropping up in the form of a coffee mug, a photograph in the back of a drawer, even a personal joke that he tries his best to bring you into but which, considering it’s just more residual girlfriend that has to be scrubbed away, is not funny. Seriously, so not funny.
Seven-Day Cleanse, noun
This phrase strikes terror in the heart of any woman who’s used to eating, well, food. That’s because the process of the seven-day cleanse is to whittle down the amount of food entering the body—or suddenly eliminate it altogether—and replace it with water, tea, or another beverage that is specially formulated to make you rethink whether having a haz-mat site for a colon is really such a bad thing after all. Oh, sure, they tell you that by day five you don’t notice how hungry you are because you’re too busy enjoying the hallucinations, but in our opinion, if we’re going to spend the weekend lying face-down in the driveway, we’d rather the cause be the toxins we put in our bodies, not the ones we’re trying to flush out.
Win a Signed Copy of The CHICKtionary – Plus a Bonus Gift Card!
Leave a comment below by Wednesday, November 16 for the chance to win a signed copy of The CHICKtionary – a humorous dictionary of the things women say…and what they really mean when they say them. The book corrals more than 450 terms, including some you know (uterus) and some you might not (flexting), and defines each from the perspective of a typical contemporary woman—a woman who avoids accidental pageant hair, is frenemies with her robotic vacuum and only occasionally relies on her high-waisted jeans to hold up her strapless bra.
The winner (who will be selected at random) will also receive a $25 Target gift card, which is bound to come in mighty handy as you launch into your holiday shopping frenzy.
Or, you know, blow it all on maxi pads. It’s your call.
The CHICKtionary: From A-Line to Z-Snap, the Words Every Woman Should Know is available wherever books are sold…and few places they’re not. For more information, please visit http:///www.annalefler.com.