This is basically just a list of bullshit I never knew I needed until Skymall told me I did. Now I’m obsessed, and if I don’t find at least half of these under my tree this year, I’m kicking someone’s ass.
1. Mademoiselle Haute Couture Lamp.
I was redecorating my living room this week in the haute couture theme (naturally), but the whole time I just kept thinking to myself, “You know what this place really needs? A life-sized woman lamp that’s taller, thinner and better-dressed than me.” And then – voila! There it was!
2. The” Zombie of Montclaire Moors” Statue. Because nothing says “Welcome to our home!” quite like a life-sized gray zombie with the tortured eyes of death clawing its way out of your front walkway flowerbed.
Finally, we can throw away that “No solicitors” sign!
3. Sumo Wrestler Glass-Top Table.
Personally, I prefer the medium-sized, doggie-style version of this table, but either way it’s an awesome addition to any room’s décor. The tempered glass top is an especially nice touch, so you can get a super clear view of this guy’s ass crack from any angle.
4. Peeing Boy Fountain. The sound of a naked little boy peeing into a fountain?
So, so calming.
5. Toothpaste Tablets. Thank GOD someone finally came up with an alternative to that old-fashioned, much too cumbersome, ridiculously time-consuming toothpaste-toothbrush cleaning method.
“You put it in your mouth and saliva activates it into a foam!” “Tablets are small and can travel in your carry-on.” Am I the only one who read this description and immediately started making plans to freak the shit out of the flight crew during my return trip?
6. Money Gift Puzzle. This fun little contraption forces the user to win the game before he/she can reach the cash prize held captive inside.
You want your birthday money? WORK FOR IT, BITCH.
7. Pierogi Ornament. Next year, I’m decorating my entire tree in glass pierogi dumplings, tinsel and nothing else.
Because I CAN, that’s why.
8. The Sit Fit Under-Desk Exercise Companion. EVERYONE should be able to squeeze in a little low-intensity aerobic exercise under their desk while wearing ugly shoes. EVERYONE.
It’s a god-given right, and I’ll fight for it if I have to.
9. Home Grown Mushroom Kit. This was SO NOT what I thought it was going to be.
For the record — if I’m growing mushrooms in my house, they’re NOT going to be this kind of mushroom.
If you get my drift. (wink)
10. Hand-Dipped Gold Roses. Clearly my husband doesn’t really love me, because he has never, not once, surprised me with these.
If I don’t at least get a couple of tacky gold roses in barfy colors with gold trim for Valentine’s Day this year, I’m not putting out and that’s all there is to it. A girl’s got to take a stand sometime.
11. Flair Hair Visor.
I love everything about this ad – the fact that someone thinks an old, bald dude showing up on the links with fake Guy Fieri hair will have everyone in stitches… the more practical selling point of how the bad hair will “protect” your head… the especially attractive camo/frosted highlights color option… the “machine wash/air dry” care instructions…
But mostly, I just love that the headline advertises it as a “built-in ‘doo.” With two o’s.
12. Porch Potty.
If you’re so lazy that, instead of getting out of bed to walk your dog, you’d rather spend 280 bucks on a fake patch of grass so it can SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE — you *might* not be the *best* candidate for dog ownership. Just sayin’.
Also, I won’t be coming over for dinner anytime soon.
13. Orbitwheels. These things look like a wonderfully terrible, hilariously tragic accident just waiting to happen.
“Quick, kids, get out the video camera! Dad’s got on the Orbitwheels!”
If that’s not worth a trip to the emergency room, I don’t know what is.
14. The Camouflage Slanket.
The next time you’re out hunting and start to feel a little nippy, wrap yourself up in this poor man’s version of the Snuggie. The camouflage print ensures you can stalk and brutally murder the beast of your choice — without it ever detecting your presence or suspecting it’s about to be shot, eaten and possibly decapitated for sport – all while you stay warm and snuggly!
15. The Brobdingnagian Sports Chair. The only thing better than enjoying some terrific live music or comedy in a beautiful outdoor venue is the opportunity to TOTALLY piss off the thousands of people unfortunate enough to have to sit behind you.
The chance to look like a tiny little asshole sitting in a chair made for Goliath is really just an extra-special bonus.
Blythe Jewell is a freelance writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass based out of Austin, Texas. Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy. She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person. Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at http://www.themusicalfruit.net/. Also available for childrens’ parties.