Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol 1 Edition 4


Confused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems.  As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do.  As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else.  Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com.  You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.  Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

I have not had ANY SEX AT ALL in six years and thirteen days. Will I ever have ANY SEX AT ALL? And also, do I now qualify as revirginised?

Worried About My Lady Parts


Dear Worried,

Ah, the sex drought.  We’ve all had them – some longer than others, and you, my darling, are nearing Guinness World Record standings.

Will you have sex again? Yes. Of course.  Will it be fun? Probably not the first time.  But after that? OH, HONEY, YES.  It is going to be so amazing you will wonder why you just aren’t fucking random strangers while waiting to be seen at the dentist.  [And why aren’t you? I mean, there’s a viable option right there.  You’re somewhere neither of you really wants to be, you’ve got some adrenaline flowing and the place itself is probably a lot cleaner than the hotel you’d be banging in if you met a bar.  Or the bar bathroom, for that matter.  Or your car.] 

Anyway, your second-first time will probably be a bit awkward, what with having gotten so hammered you think it’s o.k. to be having sex with that guy who always shows up at your family reunions that you’re pretty sure isn’t directly related to you and who is looking mighty fly for a white guy after several of your Aunt Polly’s vodka Jell-o shots.  Still, drunk sex is better than no sex, unless you are so drunk that you throw up during the sex.  Actually, that’s still better than no sex.

Also, you have passed the statute of limitations on revirginization.  It’s a universal truth that if you haven’t had sex for one year, you not only are once again a virgin, you also get to take that year plus one extra off of your age.  Or you can add it onto your age.  I, personally, like to tell people I’m a lot older than I am, so that they have to defer to me.  I enjoy deference. 

The great thing about being a revirgin instead of an actual virgin? You know how much bullshit is spewed about having first time sex and won’t feel awful about giving it away to a guy whose name you aren’t quite sure of while his buddies are pounding on the dorm room door, needing to get in and play Call of Duty RIGHT NOW.

Waiting with bated breath to hear about your re-deflowering,



Dear Suniverse,

I’m trying to develop two technologies – the transporter (a la Star Trek) and the time machine (a la Back to the Future).

My question is, once I have these, how do I best go about fucking with people? Obviously, with the transporter, tapping people on the shoulder and then disappearing will be great fun, but there must be something better.

And traveling back in time – I mean, I’d love to go up to Napoleon Bonaparte and say “you are a no-talent ass clown,” but will I need to learn French? If so, how do I say it in French? And will I need to wear all that stuffy clothing that they wore back then, or will the sight of a big guy just appearing, seemingly, from nowhere be enough that they’ll take me seriously?

Big Guy With Big Ideas


Dear Big Guy,

Are we twins? Are we?  Because while I would LOVE to have a time travel machine, I would kill a puppy to have a transporter [Seriously, PETA, take it down a notch, I’m not actually going to kill a puppy.] [A full grown dog? Maybe.]. 

I love to not be home, but I hate the actual traveling part of getting to other places.  So a transporter would be fantastic because in the blink of an eye [or maybe I should work on the patented I Dream of Jeannie blink? It might be more viable.] I could be ANYWHERE. Rome. Boston. The ice cream shop.  The possibilities make me giddy.

But not so giddy I’d forget to answer your question.  Which was . . . oh, how to fuck with people. 

Seriously. Are we twins?

With a transporter, I think the best way to fuck with people would be to transport into people’s bathrooms and take away all the toilet paper.  All of it.  And the box of tissues on the back of the toilet tank.  Because there are few things more aggravating than NOT HAVING TOILET PAPER BECAUSE EVIDENTLY I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE WHO KNOWS HOW TO CHANGE THE ROLL.

Also, you could probably start pantsing people at really important meetings.  Like, say, Congressional hearings, or meeting your partner’s boss for the first time, or parent-teacher conferences.  Come on, you know that Language Arts teacher had it coming.

With a time machine, I think you won’t necessarily have to dress in period costume, although you could be dressed as A period, which would probably have enough shock value in and of itself to give Napoleon a stroke.  I also don’t think you’d necessarily have to speak French, but I’d recommend learning a second [or third] language anyway, as it’s an amazing way to talk about people behind their backs in front of their faces in this delightful America First and Only single language country we live in. 

Here is how you’d say, “You are a no talent ass clown” in French, according to Google Translate [which of course is never wrong], «Vous êtes un sans talent le cul de clown. »  I particularly like the use of the formal vous here, because then for sure they will take you seriously.

Heading back to the lab,




  1. You are better than Dr. Phil, I swear. And you’re so young, if the Call of Duty reference is accurate. My dorm mate would have been banging on door trying to play Pong. Also: great ideas for use of technology. It could totally happen. I would go back to that Dallas depository and depants Oswald.

  2. Heheh.

    Make that, we are TRIPLETS, big guy.

    love the new columnists here at FnS.

    Such bright, clever, incredible women: esp. Kablooey, Suniverse, Noa G.

  3. Kablooey – better than Dr. Phil? Only because I’m marginally less orange and my mustache is smoother.

    Thanks so much!

    PS Not even remotely young, I just have my pulse on popular culture from like 10 years ago.

  4. I totally just tapped you on the shoulder and disappeared.


    That was me. Did you feel it?

    (off to have sex now.)

  5. You are like Dear Abby on Red Bull and Spanish Fly.

  6. GrandeMocha says:

    My friend makes awesome Jello shots for parties. There is some serious flirting going on after a few. I’ll have to watch for the unhappy couples mixing it up to get it on next time. I’ll bet there are some revirgins.

  7. When I first read the translation to French, I thought it said, “I’ll go down on vous” and thought, oh, wow, she just tied up both questions so nicely there. See how she did that, Chicken? But then I realized my eyesight is bad and I’m old and unsexed and verging on virginal, which is the upside of this whole bad eyesight thing.

  8. Yes, I do believe we’re twins :-)

    There are, apparently, these super-fun new dentist offices, where they offer massage chairs and espresso and TV . . . I really think the next amenity needs to be the “private room” so that you can start screwing random strangers as you wait to have your teeth cleaned. Assuming you can glance away from the TV.

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