Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 5


Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems.  As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do.  As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else.  Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com.  You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.  Enjoy, lovers. 

Dear Suniverse,

How do I get through another sad and lonely Christmas?




Dear Asking For a Friend, Because You Are Obviously Too Awesome To Be Asking For Yourself,

The holidays are supposed to be a time of love and good cheer, but they are actually a time of angst and stress and an increase in meds.  This is true even for people who don’t celebrate anything during the month of December because EVERYONE is inundated with the message that EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS PLANET IS HAVING A ***WAAAAAAYYYYY*** BETTER TIME THAN YOU ARE.

You know what, though? That’s a big fucking lie.

There are very few people who are enjoying the holiday season, and 99% of those who are are in diapers.  This is because they have not yet been toilet trained and they are toddlers who are so excited about Santa! and presents! and OH MY GOD MORE PRESENTS! that they are enjoying something akin to a sugar buzz all day long.  [The other ones in diapers are old people who aren’t quite sure why that nice nurse who doesn’t steal their dentures is putting up Christmas decorations when it is obviously Flag Day, but they don’t want to make a fuss and so they get into the spirit by listening to groups of elementary school kids singing Christmas carols in what is obviously June.]

Where was I?



 No one is having fun.  No one.  Everyone is sad and kind of lonely, even if they are in a loving relationship, because it DOES seem like everyone is having a great time at a magical holiday party and you and your partner are sitting at home on the couch watching Bad Santa and playing Words With Friends on a Friday night. [This is mere speculation and not what happened last weekend.]

So what do you do?

You make your holiday less sad and lonely.  Set up an evening to go to your local high school’s holiday concert with a neighbor whose kid plays the bassoon.  Yes, it will suck, but you may find someone to hang out with who enjoys mocking children as much as you do.  Ask a coworker to go wrapping paper shopping.  It’s less of a commitment than having dinner, but it can lead to dinner.  Email a friend about the random Groupon you got to try pole dancing and see if they’re interested.  Purely for the hilarity, and not as on-the-job-training. 

But don’t force yourself to be festive when you aren’t feeling it and be sure to pace yourself.  One social interaction at a time leads to a fulfilling life.  Too many social interactions all at once leads to Crazytown.

Waiting for someone to invite me to go caroling [or egging people’s houses],



Dear Suniverse,

Because I rarely think shit out, I began a blog a year ago and let my entire family know about it, including (gasp) my in-laws.

Now they all read every single post.

What do I do now that I was too stupid to remain sunonymous?

Julie Gardner


Dear Julie, If That Is Your Real Name,

What do you do when you are surrounded by family, say, at the holidays, and you’ve blundered so egregiously? What to do when people you know know your business and aren’t decorous enough to pretend they don’t? There is only one thing to do:


Drink like you are Charles Bukowski and you just got paid.

If drinking until you vomit into other people’s stockings [the ones they are wearing, not the ones hanging by the chimney with care] is not an option for you because you are in AA or are pregnant or hungover then we need to look at Plan B.

Not the over the counter girl’s best friend [unless you are under 17 – seriously, Obama? Seriously?], but the Plan B that you must default to when you have to swear off that sweet, sweet booze drenched oblivion.

Here is your Plan B:


If someone brings up something you’ve said on your blog, tilt your head quizzically [and adorably] and say, “What? Oh, that? Yeah . . . I’m working on some characters for my novel, and I’m using the blog as a way of pulling them together.”

And then deflect.

Lean in earnestly and say, “But enough of my boring life, did you hear that Cousin Calvin is marrying his ex-wife’s best friend?”

If your interrogator will not take the bait [And why wouldn’t they? Who doesn’t love gossip?], just start talking about them.  Politely, at first, asking questions about their boring lives, but if they keep on harassing you about your blog, say sweetly, “You know, that time you made out with your dog would be a great end of the year post, wouldn’t it?”

You’re welcome.

Fervently ignoring your blog,






  1. OH EM GEE you make me laugh so hard.

    Yes, drinking till you vomit is most excellent advice, as is the truth that no one is having a good time over the holidays.

    My god but you are so funny.

  2. Why not suggest she start a new anonymo blog? Because we know full well that having an alias is mysterious, sexy and a perfect way to keep your in-laws, holier-than-thou neighbors and various and sundry class moms and PTA committee leaders from finding out what you really think of them. So Julie Gardner, why not let your current blog stay squeaky clean and safe, and invent a new persona to share all the sweet, sweet gossip about your father-in-law’s mistress?

  3. Alexandra – LOVE YOU.

    Kablooey – Great thought. I think it would work!

  4. Drink. Lie. Deflect.

    That’s the Holy Trinity of family get-togethers, no?

    Perfect for Christmas, too.

    So thank you, thank you, thank you.

    p.s. I always knew Cousin Calvin was a douchebag.

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