EAT THIS! Holiday Crystal Meth Plate

 

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Natalie Wall

If there is anything that brings the children scampering around the holiday garbage can fire, it’s Holiday Crystal Meth and Crack Rocks. One of my personal favorites holiday treats, based purely on its sugar addiction factor and quick preparation time.

Holiday Crystal Meth

Ingredients:

1. One local Wal-Mart/CVS/Bottom Dollar

2. One pair of scissors

3. One hammer

4. Plastic candy dish-preferably holiday related

5. 4 Bags of rock candy

Instructions:

First you will need to locate your local Wal-Mart or other fine discount retailers. Once that task is completed, step out of your car/bike/public transportation of choice and locate the candy aisle or as I like to call it, “The Impending Type-2 Diabetes” aisle. Grab at least 4 bags of rock candy. I usually buy at least 8, but that’s based solely on my low blood sugar and lack of self-respect.

Next, locate the self-checkout lines. No one needs to see this moment.

Step back into your car/bike/public transportation of choice. Now that you are back home, the magic shall really begin! Grab each bag, place them on your counter, and locate your hammer.

If you do not have a hammer, you may use your fist as an adequate substitute. With a hammer in hand (or fist) beat the shit out of each bag. Once, each bag of rock candy has been properly crushed, you may now grab your scissors and cut each bag open.

Smell that aroma? That’s the smell of holiday love! Well that and type-2 diabetes.

Empty each bag into a holiday related plastic candy dish. If you do not own a holiday related plastic candy dish, you may use a red solo cup as an adequate substitution.

Holiday Crack Rocks

Lightly crush sugar cubes (light tapping with “couzin Bubba’s” unregulated combat boots work well) and place beside your Holiday Crystal Meth on decorative dish.

MURRRRAAAAY CHRISTMAS!

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

Comments

  1. I LOVE THIS.

    I may leave it out for Santa.

    Meth makes you go faster, right?

  2. Oh. SO CLEVER.

    FnS: we’ve got the best.

    FUNNY WOMEN.

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