EAT THIS! Oprah’s Favorite Cookies (not that Oprah)


Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

By Suniverse ~ That’s right, bitches – I bake, too.

Makes about 4 dozen [I got 46 and am desperately trying to let go of the fact that the last dozen was not complete] [It’s not going well]


2 ¼ cups flour
1tsp kosher salt
1tsp baking soda [Go ahead, use the one that’s deodorizing your fridge, I won’t tell anyone]
¾ cup packed light brown sugar
¾ cup sugar
2 sticks butter, softened [or nuke it for about 10 or so seconds if you forgot, like some people did]
2 eggs
1 tbsp vanilla
3 cups chocolate chips, various flavors [I used semi-sweet, dark and white*]
A little extra kosher salt, if you’re feeling saucy


1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line 2 or 3 cookie sheets with parchment paper.  Sure, you could just use ungreased cookie sheets, but what are you, an animal? Also, this way you won’t have to wash the cookie sheets after you’ve used them – you just toss the parchment paper. You’re welcome.

3. Whisk together the flour, salt and baking soda, being sure to toss the spoon you didn’t realize you lost in your flour container into the dishwasher this time.  You don’t need anymore metallic surprises in your very expensive King Arthur flour.  Stainless steel doesn’t leach into flour, does it? Whatever, extra iron, right?

4. In another bowl, dump the now-softened sticks of butter and the sugars.  If you are fancy and have a Kitchen Aid, do whatever magical things happen to cream them together.  If you’re a chump like some people who have absolutely no counter or storage space, stand there with a hand mixer and cream the butter and sugar together until they are light and fluffy or you’re sick of mixing.

5. Add the eggs and the vanilla and mix some more. It’s like you’re a fucking slave to the mixer by this point, but at least it’s better than doing it by hand like an Amish person.

6. Go pee.

7.  Add the flour to the butter mixture [you washed your hands, right?] about a 1/3 at a time, or, if you’re like some people, 1/3 and then 2/3 at a time. 

8.  Mix it up until it’s smooth and then add the chocolate chips, stirring them into the dough with a big ass spoon or rubber spatula.

9. Spoon a dozen even amounts of cookie dough onto each baking sheet about 2 inches apart and if you’re feeling super fancy, add a couple of flakes of kosher salt to the top of each cookie. [Seriously, only a miniscule amount or people will think you are trying to poison them.]

10. Bake each batch about 10 – 12 minutes, depending on your oven, rotating half way through.

11. Cool on a wire rack and then divide them for your cookie exchange, which is actually you just eating cookies straight from the jar.

*Stop with the pedantic “White chocolate isn’t chocolate” thing, because it’s just tiresome.  The chips are delicious and if you are having that big an issue about it, use something else and stop getting your recipes from a humor site. 


The Suniverse

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at Funny not Slutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.


  1. “Stop with the white chocolate isn’t chocolate thing.” Finally, a person who understands.

  2. Elizabeth – Right? Why do people have to be so hateful?

  3. But it’s not. And it’s yucky. There, I said it. Then, I have a problem with a number of white foods: mayonnaise, hard boiled egg whites, vanilla soft-serve. It’s a self-loathing white girl thing, perhaps, but white chocolate’s an oxymoron.

  4. Whew, sorry. It’s not you; it’s me. And the recipe sounds delicious and is definitely the funniest recipe I’ve ever read. (Which, as a compliment, is kind of from the “writing about music is like dancing about architecture” school, but you know what I mean. Baking soda, step 6, the one-third, two-third thing, all so, so funny.)

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