Parents: are you tired of stressing over how to explain the existence of Santa Claus to your child? Do you fret that dashing your offspring’s dreams will leave them in years of therapy with only you to blame? Or worse, that some snotty classmate of theirs will beat you to the punch, thus subjecting you to endure melodramatic shrieks of “You’re a liar! A LIAR!”? Well fear no more! For the low low price of just $19.95, you can take yourself off the hook with the new Santa’s Little Helper “Shit Just Got Real” doll! This adorable plush elf doll comes complete with reversible holiday vest, bell-laden shoes that really jingle, and all the things you can’t bring yourself to say! Simply squeeze Little “Shit Just Got Real”’s tummy, and with a giggle, he’ll let your child know:
Diabetes doesn’t care if you’re “jolly!”
Mommy’s dating a Jew now!
It’s called “venison” and it’s delicious!
Order now, and for an additional $5.99 you can receive our limited edition “Shit Just Got Real” Advent calendar, featuring not one, but TWO life-like houses–one for weekends at Mommy’s, and one for Daddy’s (chocolate not included).
But WAIT! There’s MORE! Call within the next five minutes and we’ll include a FREE genuine half-eaten, crushed candy cane which will leave your child saying, Wow! “Shit Just Got Real!”
So, that’s the Santa’s Little Helper “Shit Just Got Real” doll, the “Shit Just Got Real” Advent calendar, AND the decimated candy cane, all for the low low price of $25.94! (shipping and handling not included / AA batteries not included / candy cane not included)
Don’t let this golden holiday opportunity pass you by! Or you too may be saying, “Man, I’ve got the only 5th grader who still believes in fairies and shit!”
Call Now! Operators are standing by. (maybe)
Leslie Goshko is a Manhattan Monologue Slam Champion, recipient of the New York Fringe Excellence Award, and host of the monthly storytelling series, Sideshow Goshko (Time Out New York “Critics’ Pick”). Her stories and comedy writing have been featured on Sirius XM, WNYC, NY Metro “Funny Page”, and her one-woman show, Vodka Shoes, played to rave reviews as part of the New York Frigid Festival. She’s also pretty proud to have performed in Hairspray on Broadway. http://www.ohmygoshko.com/