Ladies, it is time. It is time for us to admit that the 80’s are back and it looks so damn good. On men, that is. (Step away from the crimper, Sarah.)
So yes, I’m talking to you, good sir, with the glorious Tom Selleck mustache.
And yes, you, Mr. Strong legs, rocking the bright red shorty-shorts. You say the length of the shorts helps with your endless cross-country training? Sure it does. But it helps me get through those cold and lonely nights, so you wear those bad boys all you damn well please.
But if you really want to do society some good can you please pair those sassy shorts with some bright white knee-high tube socks? And some black chucks? Oh! Oh! Oh! And that sexy windbreaker? Which is both versatile and fashionable.
Now that is the uniform of champions. Ow! Ow!
And for the record, I am not trying to be sarcastic here. I am 100% whole-heartedly in love with dudes in short shorts. And Tom Selleck mustaches. Because let’s be honest with ourselves here…nothing says, “I’ve got a massive wiener,” quite like a Grade A Selleck ‘stache.
I don’t want these boys with their hipster douche glasses which are just frames, because they overheard someone say, “Only the cool kids wear glasses,” and thus proceeded to their local Hot Topic at a quickened pace in attempts to beat all other said hipsters, just so he could say he started wearing frames waaaaayyyyy before it became “hip.” Not to mention, the fact that he bought seven different types to coordinate with his seven various moods.
I don’t want this new breed of overly sensitive dudes.
I want chest hair, short shorts and a man who can properly use the term “irony.”
And no, what you call your “ironic tattoos” does not meet those criteria. Actually, you failed, asshole. Miserably. Get the fuck out of my face. That’s not how you use the word, irony. That’s not how you use it!
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten that mad at you. I’m not very good at hiding my emotions. Now go put on some short shorts and let’s call it a day.
Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).