Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 6

 
Suniverse-Funny-AdviceConfused? Uncertain? Worried that you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve all your problems. As an oldest child, I’m quite used to bossing people around and telling them what to do. As someone who has spent countless years and more student loan money than I’d care to think about attending ever more esoteric classes, I’m filled with the type of knowledge that isn’t suitable anywhere else. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also enjoy my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.

Dear Suniverse,

If nuns are all the brides of the Big Man … doesn’t that make them celestial law-breaking polygamists?

Sincerely,

Fast Track to You Know Where

Dear Fast,

You know, I have my issues with nuns [mostly their shitty, shitty, profanity rage inducing driving], but I do like them for a few reasons:

1.  The husband’s family has some nuns in it, and they are the most fun people to sit next to at those interminable family get-togethers.  I’m constantly, pleasantly surprised at the sass.

2.  The Sound of Music.

3.  I guess it’s just the 2 things.

As to the whole polygamy thing, yeah, they’re totally sister wives.  I mean, they’re ALREADY called Sister whatever, right? [I just call the nuns I know by their first names, because we’re tight.  The nuns I don’t know? The shitty drivers? I generally call them fucking asshole cockbags.  I’ll see you in hell.  I’ll be wearing the red flower in my lapel, to match the burning hellfire.].  Plus, they wear really drab clothing like those polygamists do, and they tend to be o.k. with sharing their guy.  Also their worldly goods.  I can’t get behind either, but, you know, I’m no judge.

As to breaking the law, I mean – a prosecutor couldn’t necessarily PROVE that they were married to the same guy, because how would one go about deposing someone that doesn’t answer them? Oh, wait, it’s just like dealing with people who plead the Fifth Amendment.  I can’t imagine the Big Man or Sister I’m Git You, Sucka just stone cold saying, “Yeah, polygamists. DEAL WITH IT.”  Although maybe they would? 

Riding that handbasket right next to you,

Suniverse

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Dear Suniverse,

How can I get everyone to do what I want them to do? I know best & I share the info & they still don’t do it. WTF? It drives me crazy!!!

 

Right All the Time

Dear Ms. Right,

Welcome to my world.

Seriously. 

If only people would do what I tell them to do, EVERYTHING WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER FOR EVERYONE.  I wouldn’t be so angry, you wouldn’t be so crazy and the world would be markedly less fucked up.

Unfortunately, people tend not to take unasked-for advice very well, particularly when it is really good advice that will make them better people, less jerky and far easier to be around. It’s like, despite the fact that there is a booming economy in self-help books/podcasts/therapists & their copays, people don’t actually want to listen to someone who ACTUALLY KNOWS THEM give them advice on how to be less of an asshole.

So here are your options:

1. Become a therapist. This will be kind of a pain in the ass, since you’re probably already working and ostensibly would need to go back to school, but I say, fuck that.  Just print off a diploma from a good but not great school [not Harvard, obviously, but probably University of South Carolina would work] and then fake references. 

People do this all the time! I mean, there are people in Florida who pretend they are doctors and give fake liposuction/implants to people in garages, so it can’t be that hard to pretend you’re a licensed therapist.  Also, I’ve been to a lot of therapists, and while I’ve learned a lot from each one [even the guy who sounded like the school counselor on South Park, mmmkay?], it’s basically listening and common sense. You’ve got that.

2.  Change your name to something mystical sounding and start up a podcast where you discuss affirmations and life plans and how to live life better and start talking it up around the people who obviously need the help.  Once they’ve started listening, you can gear podcasts to specific issues, like not taking the last bagel at the morning meeting or just shutting the fuck up already about your “brilliant” kids [PS NOBODY CARES. And I say that as the proud parent of a brilliant kid.].

3.  Start a cult/religion/book group.  People are joiners and they are really pretty malleable.  Do you honestly think anyone really read or gave a shit about that writer and his fake book A Million Little Pieces? No, no one did, until Oprah got up in his grill. 

Once you get people under your wing [and it’s pretty easy, people are joiners – look at the number of idiots who sign up for gym memberships, or everyone who ever sold candles/Pampered Chef/Amway] all you have to do is keep them coming back for more while you make them over to fall into line with your needs.  I suggest an incentive based program involving cake.

Just whipping up a batch of cream cheese frosting,

Suniverse

 

Comments

  1. I’d like to chime in on the cake incentive. If you turn them into cupcakes, even better bite sized cupcakes, you can pretty much hold the puppet strings for anyone.

    As for the nuns, I personally know NONE. None Nuns.

    I’m feeling very left out.

  2. Assuming a hand basket is something one can pick up, how can one (I think I sound cultural-like when I use “one” but then I’m stuck riding it to the end of the sentence) reasonably expect to find one big enough to ride to hell? My ass is actually supposed to fit in the thing? Where did this expression come from? Also: I got none nuns too. Can I count Whoopie Goldberg?

  3. MommaKiss – Mini cupcakes are the crack of the middle class. You can get people to do pretty much anything with the promise of those.

    Kablooey – I’m picturing a handbasket the size of a hot air balloon basket. So a handbasket for a giant.

  4. Just think how much fun hell is going to be with all of my favorite people there.

    Good times all around.

    Oh, yeah, I plan on seeing you there.

  5. Alexandra – I’ve got my queen size jacuzzi suite all set up.

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