We ladies of SRSLY, like most wanna-be Europeans, love Downton Abbey. We love the costumes, the vibrant upstairs/downstairs story lines, the sassy zingers from Dame Maggie Smith. And we LOVE the actors. Did you ever think you would be so turned on by a middle-aged cripple ala Bates? Or that you would relate to a snooty, criminally sheltered oldest child like Lady Mary? It’s all thanks to the amazing cast. We love them!
But, like everything foreign that Americans love, this means that in due time, Hollywood studios will get their grubby mitts all over the rights for a Yankee remake. These remakes range from being decent (Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, The Office), to mostly pathetic (Breathless, Point of No Return… and every other American remake), but that doesn’t stop the suits from churning them out year after year.
So, before the inevitable happens, we wanted to suggest our ideal casting for the American remake of Downton Abbey, which will presumably still take place in England, but be filmed in Southern California, or at NBC studios(you know it’s inevitably going to be on NBC).
Lady Mary - Amber Heard. American studio execs are all about hiring hot actresses, and let’s face it, even we were turned on by Ms. Heard in the trailer for The Rum Diary. Since we predict the US Downton will make everyone blonde, we pick Amber in the hopes she can pull a Betty Draper in the acting dept.
Lady Edith - Mamie Gummer. Looks like from she’s from ye olden days already, so they’ll save money in the art department. They’ll also save money by having at least some Streep Blood(™) to add legitimacy to the period piece without coughing up Meryl’s fee.
Lady Sybil - Chloe Moretz. Chloe’s done work on the big and small screens, but we’d like to see her kick ass in a corseted gown. If she’s unavailable because she’s reprising her role on 30 Rock (PLEASE, TINA FEY??) this role will definitely go to Selena Gomez. Just dye her hair blonde.
Robert Crawley – Regal family patriarch on NBC? No choice other than Ian McShane. He’ll add some serious weight to everyone’s favourite Lord Dad.
Mr. Carson – As the butler with the heart of gold and ponies, we mostly needed some old fart who hasn’t had too much work done. Billy Crystal it is! Also, in the American Downton Abbey, Carson is full of old Jewish lady impressions and musical numbers.
Mr. Bates - Paul Giamatti. The man loves a prop, and has found his niche playing characters who are lovable despite being constantly humiliated.
O’Brien – Who can play the biggest troll in the house? Someone who is hilarious, with great facial structure, but definitely evil at their core? Chelsea Handler. She’s great at stirring shit up and then running away.
Thomas - Matt Bomer. Sexy, brooding, gay? No brainer, it’s Bomer.
Cora – Cora is American, so in the NBC version she’ll be played by an Aussie who has perfected the American accent. Duh, TONI COLLETTE.
Dowager Countess - Blythe Danner. The closest thing to an American Maggie Smith WE ARE EVER GOING TO GET. Bonus: In the flashback scenes (yes, in American Downton Abbey there will be MANY a flashback) Gwynnie can play Young Dowager and it will be just like Hook when she played young Wendy and SYNERGY, PEOPLE!
Daisy – Ah, young, hopeful and lovelorn Daisy. We need someone sweet and genuinely awesome. It’s gotta be Kerris Dorsey. We know, we know, you’re like “Who?” Kerris played Brad Pitt’s daughter in Moneyball and was everything child actors should be- natural, unaffected, sweet, simple. She’s way young, but that’s how we like our kitchen maids in America.
Matthew Crawley - Armie Hammer is perfect to play the handsome lawyer surprised with a massive inheritance because he IS INCREDIBLY handsome and the heir to a philanthropist billionaire fortune. Don’t ask us how that works!
Anna – For Bates’ love interest we needed someone who already has chemistry with Giamatti, someone who is pretty but like… servant-pretty, you know? We need look no further than Hope Davis. She’s sweet and smart and someone you hope doesn’t end up an old maid. LITERALLY.
Do you lovely readers of Funny Not Slutty have any ideal casting choices? Who is right on the money? Who did we miss? Downton Abbey (the real one) season two is currently airing Sundays on PBS. Check those listings, yo!
Alex and Danielle, SRSLY
SRSLY is Alexandra Fiber and Danielle Gibson, two NYU and UCB trained ladies making short, snappy videos loosely based on their semi-glam lives in New York. Danielle and Alex met in drama school and quickly became best friends after discovering their mutual love of Pret a Manger. Don’t miss their funny videos.