EAT THIS! Granny Collins Casserole

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Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.

by Heather Davis

My hubby’s family tells tales of a family legend, Granny Collins and her renowned casserole. Soon after joining the family, I got a taste and it instantly became one of my all-time favorites. But Granny Collins was not a health nut.  And in our new year’s effort to be a more healthy family, I have transformed this recipe into a healthy version of its formerly fat-filled self.  And… it’s only 2 points for the whole thing!*

*I haven’t a clue as to how many points it is.  I could never figure out the whole points system and was asked to leave the points-assigning weight-loss group after a month of stepping on the scale, screaming, “What the Eff!!” and then asking to be points tutored yet again.


2 lbs of ground beef  ground turkey

1 brick of cream cheese  fat-free cream cheese

1 8 oz tub of sour cream  fat-free sour cream

1 can of Ro-Tel tomatoes & peppers (ain’t nothing wrong with this can of spicy goodness!)

1 medium onion, chopped (I like purple ‘cause it’s pretty)

2 c cheddar cheese, shredded  fat-free cheddar cheese, finely shredded

16 oz elbow macaroni whole wheat pasta – your choice

salt and pepper to taste


Brown the ground turkey in a large skillet.  Add the chopped onion and allow them to brown together.  Drain the ground turkey and wonder where the hell the good smell is.  You know, that good smell that comes when you brown fatty beef and onions?  It’ll be missing from this casserole.  Salt and pepper it until you have some sort of flavor, but honestly, the turkey taste like nothing.  That’s right – just grimy nothing.   You might also want to throw in a tablespoon of butter because something’s gotta flavor this up. While you’re doing all this, cook the pasta and drain.  Add a lot of butter to soften up and flavor up that gritty, grimy whole wheat “pissta”.

While the meat mixture is still warm, add the Ro-Tel.  It won’t help the flavor of the turkey, but it’ll at least add something that resembles taste.  Heat back up to cook off some of the liquid, but not all of the liquid.  Add more salt.  There’s still not much flavor thanks to that damned ground turkey.

When it’s hot and almost all the liquid has been cooked down, add the cream cheese and sour cream.  Normally, if you’re using the “real” stuff, it’ll melt on its own until it’s velvety.  You could swim in it.  Not this fat-free crap!  This will require constant stirring and at some point in the process, it might even separate and look mucus-like.  Add more butter.  A tablespoon of butter should do the trick, but you’ll probably want to add a couple tablespoons because without the ground beef and without the fat in the good goo, this is likely to taste like dog poo.  And if you don’t keep stirring, it will look like dog poo.   They say you can’t tell the different between regular sour cream and fat-free sour cream.  I cry Bull Shit.  There’s no way those two things are equal in any way…

After the tasteless, fatless, smell-less mixture has been mixed with pasta, as well as it can be mixed, dump it into a HUGE (it’s gotta be big) greased casserole dish.  Make sure you spray the casserole dish with cooking spray before the dumping.  Top with the shredded, fat-free cheddar cheese to the top.  Now, this rubber excuse for cheese will not melt one bit and it will look completely fake once you finish baking it (at 350 for 30 minutes) but at least you’re healthy, right?

Wrong!  What good is it if you live to be 100, but you have to eat flavorless, fat-free food??  It’s no flipping good!  So after the casserole has finished cooking, cover it with foil and deliver it to the cranky neighbor who has apparently been eating healthy because he’s still kicking even though he’s crabby as all hell.  He’ll eat it and that’ll save you from having to feed it to your family.

Now, go order pizza.  With EXTRA cheese!


Heather Davis -
Click Here to see Heather’s Page

Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her!


  1. I haven’t eaten Ro-Tel (or even heard the name) since I lived in Texas, but I remember it was always included in many-layered, hyper-fattening, delicious artery-clogging food that had to be scooped up on fried tortilla chips. Good times.

  2. That’s hilarious. At first I was like, a recipe? Wtf? But I had faith in you so I continued. So glad I did. You rock.

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