I’m Watching American Idol, So You Don’t Have To

I’m K A B L O O E Y and I’m watching Americal Idol so you don’t have to.

Funny not Slutty

Jane Carrey: the spawn of celebri-dad Jim Carrey was self-deprecating and sang kind of nicely.  

Slutty not Funny

I hadn’t written her name down, so I Googled “San Diego American Idol butt cheek girl” and lo: Amanda Diley.  You know Mr. and Mrs. Diley are so proud.  (Edited so as not to show half her ass, unlike the Idol editors.)

After the first week of auditions, here are some more lowlights from American Idol:

Erika “Crazy Eyes” Nowak:  If you are already one beer short of a six-pack and have close-set non-blinking blue eyes, you might want to lay off outlining them in black kohl.  Unless you’re trying to look like Tanya Harding.  

The Up Close and Personal Sob Story Quartet:

    • W.T. Thompson: (given name: White Trash?) If times are tough, you have a voice that might have gotten you the 2nd lead in your high school musical, and you have a baby on the way, do you quit a union job to audition for American Idol?  If your name’s Dubya T you do.  
    • Travis “Mom left us, dad’s on dialysis, I live in a shelter and dropped out of high school, so give me a golden ticket” Orlando.  If he’s crying now, what kind of emotional puddle will he be during Hollywood Week?  Wolverine Elvis:  “Daddy gone died, but not before making me this here git fiddle.”  Did you know a guitar is also called a git fiddle?  I didn’t, until watching Wolverine Elvis’ audition. (AKA: The Wolf, Jason Hamlin)  If he hadn’t said “git fiddle” so many times that I wanted to hit myself in the head with a socket wrench, I’d have been rooting for him.  But he did, so now I’m not.
    • Tent Girl, Amy Brumfeld.  The judges put her through because she lives in a tent in the woods.  But she doesn’t sing well enough to be this year’s Crystal Bowersox.  Note to producers: you can’t slap some veneers on a hippy chick’s teeth and call her the new Janis Joplin if she cain’t sang.  (Author’s note: check out the link to Crystal’s website if you really like exclamation points.)

Most Likely to Commit Fratricide: Schyler Dixon. When the judges fawned over her big brother Colton, Schyler stood in the background and tried to shoot laser beams out her eyes and incinerate him and his stupid porcupine haircut.  

The Huggy Bear “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp” Award goes to:
Steven Tyler.  He torches The Star Spangled Banner, says a 15 year old is “hot, humid and happening” to her giant ex-pro ballplayer father and somehow, unironically, thinks he’s pulling off this look:

Next up: The horrific, gruesome, rubber-necking delight of Hollywood Week.

 

K A B L O O E Y

K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.

Comments

  1. I can never understand what people see in this show. It’s like watching drunks bump into each other, but less funny.

    What is wrong with that half naked girl? wtf

    SERIOUSLY someone explain why people watch this show or the ones like it?

  2. OK, I admit, it’s a show I love to hate. Or a show I hate to love, I’m not sure which. I won’t try to explain why I watch American Idol because it’s not a very defensible decision. I also watch Survivor, which is another reality show chestnut that’s hard to defend. Mostly I like shows about the creative process that don’t make the backstage politics a part of the “judging” process. I watch Top Chef and Project Runway in all their iterations. I love watching talented people create something from raw materials. Sometimes they crash and burn and other times they mesh inspiration and execution. And Project Runway has the incomparable Tim Gunn, my gay TV boyfriend.

  3. And the flip of fratricide…would that be sororicide…did you see the twin sister who wanted to finally be good at something like her twin who walks on water…but not so much! I might be just watching it for Steven Tyler at this point and how he takes dirty old man to new levels!

  4. Kablooey, just when I think I’ve got no more laughs left in my day.

    This snarky smart ass stuff is JUST when I loved about you in person.

    You are so wonderful, and this post makes me remember how fun you were to be with at BlogHer.

    You funny funny lady.

    Wolverine Elvis: “Daddy gone died, but not before making me this here git fiddle.”

  5. @ Andrea: Oh, man. That poor girl with the yellow romper and the black plastic glasses. Oh, I forgot about her. She should maybe concede the whole entertainment field to her sister and blaze a new trail for herself.
    @ Alexandra: Thanks. I knew you didn’t like me for my choice of footwear. But “snarky smart ass” is what you loved? I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? (name the movie… I said anything in the book could be on the quiz)

  6. I used to be so die hard on this show – it seems like more of a side show anymore but like a train wreck at the same time..there always seems to be a girl in a bikini every year that caint sing. Thanks for the highlights

  7. I’ve never watched the show, and now thanks to you, I never have to!

  8. I don’t know why, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to watch this show. Not even Stevie-poo is drawing me in.

    Dunno.

    It’s me.

    *eyeroll*

    Yep, it’s me.

    So thank goodness YOU are watching and I feel like I haven’t missed a thing.

    heh heh

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