Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 7

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.
Enjoy, lovers.



If men have sexy, sexual wives, why do they STILL go to slutty strip bars, discuss with strippers their lives, and come home to tell you that the stripper is now a “friend”? Lord god, kill me now.

I Can’t Believe This is Happening

Dear Oh, You’d Better Believe It:

Are you fucking kidding me?

First, this has nothing to do with you being a sexy, sexual wife, which I’m sure you are, and everything to do with your husband being a complete fucking dirt bag, which believe me, he is. There are a few things going on here:

First, if your husband wanted to go and watch women gyrate, that’s one thing [I’m no prude, but I don’t understand the allure] [Also, have you seen these women? Seriously, Glytter? You paid for those boobs?], but if he has decided that they are friends, that’s a whole other issue. A friend is someone you hang out with without having to put money in their underpants [loaning a friend $5 for a coffee is one thing, slipping $5 into your friends fun zone is a boundary you probably shouldn’t cross].

Second, if you want to objectify some woman [or man, if that’s your thing], the entire point is to keep them at a distance so you don’t become part of their lives. If they are sharing information beyond “$20 for a lap dance”, then they move out of customer serv[ic]er and into something akin to a relationship. And as understanding as Mysty may be, friends are not made at a strip club. Certainly not between customer and dancer.

Finally, if your husband is telling his problems to his stripper, he is mistaking this for therapy. Unless he is getting receipts from Lucious in order to put toward your deductible, this must end.

I know people say they aren’t fans of ultimatums, but I personally enjoy them, and in this case? You need to tell your deluded spouse that he has to stop this idiocy ASAP. There is not good way for this to end. [coughSTDcough]

Shaking my head in dismay,




How do I let the moms at the town library committee know it’s important to have all books available, even if they hint at non-traditional sexual preferences.

Thank you.


Dearest Alexandra:

Here’s the thing – these moms you’re dealing with either were never children or they suffered amnesia and forgot that the best way to have a child want to read something is by telling them they shouldn’t. And the stuff that they think the kids won’t read because it’s banned or restricted? That’s the stuff they find quickest and pass around the most.

I’d let those women know that first, kids are getting a snootful of non-traditional sexual preferences EVERYWHERE. This isn’t the bad old days, this is 2012. There are gay characters on t.v., in music, on video games, oh my god on the internet. There are gay people and straight people and asexual people in everyone’s lives.

Second, these non-traditional sexual preferences that these women find objectionable are not offensive to young people. Explain that over 64% of young people under 30 advocate gay marriage. And further, over 60% of young people believe that gay marriage is moral AND compatible with religion. Get out of the dark ages, you cunts.

Third, tell these women to go fuck themselves. Seriously. They suck.

Fourth, explain that if they want to prohibit their children from reading something they find objectionable, they can do so. Just as they restrict television and music access, they can decide what their kids can and cannot read. Excuse me while I change my pants from pissing myself laughing, because we know that this is not happening. Kindly explain that you don’t think it’s a good idea to infringe on how people raise their children, and that you wouldn’t want to insult anyone by presuming to tell them how to do so [oh, do you see what I did there?].

Re-reading Flowers in the Attic,



  1. OMG, I thought it was just ME that this happened too!!! Obviously, I am NOT alone! Thank god!

  2. Suniverse, I know you are an extremely busy woman, as minds like yours must be in heavy demand, but there’s a spot open as head of our school library procurement post.

    You can do it, long distance…just check yes to all my email curatorial requests.

    Thank you.

  3. I may have spent every single day of seventh grade reading Judy Blume’s FOREVER behind my Spanish textbook.

    How else would I have discovered the importance of conjugating the verb To Come?

    Venir. My favorite.

  4. Flowers in the Attic – bahahaha. I had specific pages dog-earred. Ahem.
    And yes, those cunts can definitely screw themselves.

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