How To Tell If You’re An Asshole: American Idol Version

badcowboyperspectiveHollywood Week is my favorite part of Idol, because the sleep-deprived, mostly deluded big fish from teeny tiny ponds across the nation all get dumped into one tank.  There is a lot of fish-on-fish violence, smack talk, ugly criers, mega divas of both genders.  That’s all a given.  But this year we also had ambulances, fainting and the classy, show-must-go-on-even-if-I-vomit moxie that lead one young woman to sing with a giant CLEAR (why clear, lord, why?) garbage bag in her lap.  Which she uses to cack on camera.

That reminds me: Best Contestant Name: Deondre Brackensick

Funniest Contestant: Heejun Han. Heejun should definitely get a show on Bravo doing commentary with me. We would have so much fun. When we move Idol to Bravo, I am definitely firing Randy. Can you imagine the level of discourse if Randy were replaced by Tim Gunn? I want to go out for bourbon and beers after the tapings with Heejun and Tim Gunn. And if she’s not resting her voice, I’ll drag Jen Hirsh out with us. Big, belty Jen who sang the ca-rap out of her songs. I bet she’d be fun after a few.

Worst Hair: The Skunk with a mohawk on top of Colton Dixon's head.

The Norman Bates/Mommy Issues Award goes to… Reed Grimm, a 26 year old man who, in tears, called his mom during a tense moment of a rehearsal. Even his mom seemed weirded out. This boy has issues, is all I’m saying. Jen Hirsh, my girl favorite, maybe steer clear of the showers while The Grimm Reeder is still around?

Jen Hirsh -- first Jewish Idol? I could plotz.

The “Human Life other than my own means NOTHING to me” Award goes to… Oh wait… It’s a tie! A Tie between Steven Tyler who, after seeing a young female contestant pass out, fall off the stage and land hard in the pit below the judges, just sat there. Even clueless Randy stood up to gawk. (When you are less sensitive than Randy to the feelings of others, you need some professional help.) Eventually, JLo had two stage hands (perhaps they carried her around all week, I can’t be sure) lift her down to see if the girl was breathing, but not Steven “Huggy Bear” Tyler. This paragon of compassion’s scrawny chicken butt never left his chair.

So who tied Steven as Humanitarian of Hollywood week? Overconfident, hot tub enthusiast Johnny Keyser. He seemed to be revealing a kinder side of himself during his group number with a serial fainter. He kept hovering around her, practically peeling back her eyelids to see if her pupils were rolling up into her head. And it was a good thing too, because when she fainted for the third time, he caught her. He cradled her down to the floor, yet during the pandemonium of Ryan and the girl’s mom rushing on stage to see if she was breathing, Johnny disappeared behind them and emerged…. still singing the number.

Randy stopped him with a wave which translated to “No, dude. Not cool.” Again, if Randy Jackson conducts your sensitivity training, you might just be an asshole.

Which brings me to a request. Can I jump ship to another reality show? Survivor’s just starting again, as is The Amazing Race. Top Chef has two finale episodes, plus the reunion coming up. (Andy Cohen, y’all. It’ll be much more fun than Ryan Seacrest.)

I’m leaving it up to you, Funny not Sluttyers. Which show should I blog about?
A) American Idol
B) Survivor
C) The Amazing Race
D) Top Chef
E) Write in your choice. I’m really hoping it doesn’t have “Housewives” in the title, but the choice is yours.
F) Aren’t you sick of this reality crap, Kablooey? Give it a rest.



K A B L O O E Y is a 47 year old non-practicing filmmaker who lives with Phineas at an undisclosed suburban location. Their three kids are Moochie (6), Lonzie (20) and The Big Puppy (22). She (who am I kidding, I’m writing this myself) tweets @kblooey and has two goals: 1) To make creative work a central part of my life, and 2) To keep my family from needing the services of the Supernanny.


  1. Smooshiest says:

    So glad you are doing the watching. I have been weaning myself off the show for nearly three seasons and I finally succeeded. After my soap was cancelled, I realized there is so much more on TV that actually interests me, and AI does not make the list. Knowing that S-Ty, J-Lo and R-Jack lack so much compassion for the potential idols cements my belief that I did the right thing. At least Simon would have gotten up from his chair to help.

  2. Oh, Kablooey…no one does reality show better than you here, at FnS.

    I say the TOP CHEF show!!!!!!

  3. Thanks Smooshiest and Empress. Right now I guess Top Chef is winning (good choice), but I think indifference is really in the lead, unfortunately. I need votes… Anyone?

  4. The Empathy Hunter says:

    You need to turn your attention to Survivor. It’s Girls against the Boys and the Boys have acted abominably in the first episode.


  1. [...] have a column up on Funny not Slutty today about the show I love to hate: American Idol.  Hollywood Week got so crazy, it went to [...]

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