When Celebs Suck – I love you Beyonce, but seriously…

Let me preface this by saying that my love for Beyonce Knowles is undying. I’m convinced that she’s some sort of angel/alien hybrid sent to earth to teach us how to dance in stilettos. My husband has been warned more than once that if Beyonce were to come a-knockin’, I’d forget his name in less time than it took Bobbi Brown to try to cash in on Whitney’s death.

That being said…

It’s one thing to be all “I love Beyonce because she’s Oprah rich AND is still someone I can see myself sharing a bottle of wine with”…but now? I’m not so sure. It seems my beloved Sasha Fierce is starting to lose that common touch which she’s always been so proud of.

First order of evidence: The fact that the birth of her daughter resulted in lockdown conditions in the neonatal unit of Lennox Hill Hospital. In other words, if you weren’t part of the Beyonce/Jay Z entourage, it sucked to be you even more than it does every other day of the year. Imagine being told you can’t visit your baby because of some people who are better than you. Do you see yourself beating a security guard to death, or is it just me? I’m violent sometimes.

Then there’s the fact that she and Jay-Z now have trademarked their daughter’s name. It’s not enough to release a rap song about your daughter referring to the night she was conceived (because anyone wants to think about what their parents did to get them here). You need to make her a brand. I can just see it now: Blue Ivy™ paci’s. Blue Ivy™ diapers. Blue Ivy™ luxury watches. So what if babies can’t tell time? And I think I just came up with the slogan.

Lastly, though, and this one hurts the most: The fact that the woman has looked positively slammin’ before, during and post-pregnancy.

I have no choice but to take this personally.

It isn’t bad enough that she already looked like some superhuman comic book character version of a woman in the first place? Now she has to make us question ourselves both prior to and after giving birth. Girlfriend owes us stretch marks, damn it, or at least some cellulite!

Beyonce, oh please. Bring yourself back down to our level, at least close enough to make you seem approachable. If you need a reminder of how a regular girl rolls, give me a call. I’ll show you my cellulite in case you’re looking for inspiration.

 

Jen is a blogger and freelance writer who has been finding new and innovative ways to overcomplicate things since the late 1970’s. Her blog, The Misadventures of Mrs. B, chronicles both her love of cooking and her uncanny ability to burn/cut/otherwise harm herself while doing so. It’s a bad combination. She also loves walking but tends to trip and fall easily. You can find her tweeting daily about the freaks she rides the train with and how much coffee she’s consumed at @MrsJenBardall.

 

Comments

  1. tell me you’re kidding about the trademark. I mean, I love her, too, but that’s just a bit ridiculous. I’m not even going to comment on the post-baby bod since we all know she may have had a supermomma carrying that extra weight for nine months ;)

    • Well really, it’s sort of a smart move on their part – from what I understand, two separate trademark requests were filed with some version of “Blue Ivy Carter” in the name right after Bey and JayZ filed theirs. When you look at it from that angle, that they’re just trying to prevent others from cashing in, it makes sense. And yeah, let’s not even get started on the “did she or didn’t she carry the baby” debate! ;)

  2. also just realized I entered my email addy incorrectly in the last comment. Stupid phone. Enjoy your weekend!

  3. Celebs play by different rules. And hell yes, I would have taken somone down if my newborn was on lockdown. Further proof that celebrities have exclusive access to top-secret Weird Ass Baby Name Book for Famous Folk: Jason Bateman and his wife named their kid Maple. Case closed.

  4. Is it o.k. that I don’t like her and I think she’s miles jealous of Alicia Keys? Because I like to think that’s true.

  5. That trademark went through? Those a-holes.

  6. She definitely needs to bring it down a notch!

  7. If I was in the hospital and couldn’t visit my brand new baby? I know I’d be cutting someone. Also? I want my name trademarked!

  8. One good thing : the Hospital floor being bought out to ensure privacy has been debunked,a statement from the hospital {read this on either buzzfeed or huffpost.com} stated that they received the same treatment as anyone else,and that the floor was NOT exclusive to them.I think youre going off of a lot of gossip here,still good article and no doubt still true despite tabloid stuff

    • Ehhh the hospital can say what they want – I tend to believe the parents in this instance, who reported to the NY Times (not a tabloid, last time I checked) about their experiences with security. The floor was not exclusive to them, but parents and family were put through a lot of extra stress at a pretty stressful, yet happy, time.

  9. Did you see SNL’s parody on Beyonce and Jay-Z taking callers for Blue Ivy?

    TO die for.

    You must see it now…

    xo

    LOVE YOUR NEW PICTURE>

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