Valentine Affirmations for Junior High School Girl Nerds in The 80s, Like Myself

80s Nerd Awesomeness

  1. This is, like, the perfect shade of frosted pink lipstick for me.
  2. My choice of perfume, Spring Forth Nimbly by Amplitude, is pretty awesome.
  3. I don’t care that Tanya got a singing telegram.
  4. Like my mom says, I’m big boned. So if, like, if girls were allowed to play ice hockey, I would, like, smack Tanya in the face accidentally with my stick, but my school is sooo sexist.
  5. I would also like to wrestle. Maybe Mr. Jones, the art teacher who is from San Diego (oh my god, California!) and makes still-lifes from milk containers that are kind of suggestive. At least to me.
  6. i love my nerd pendant

    i love my nerd pendant - handmade by

  7. I like myself, and know all the parts of the Clydesdale, and practice viola four hours a day and oh — it is so hard to think in homeroom with all these goddamn singing telegrams being delivered to that blow-up doll Tanya.
  8. Studies show girls with small breasts are smarter. Case in point: Sandra Day O’Connor.
  9. Studies show girls with small breasts are like, destined for greatness. Oh, dang, I mentioned that before.
  10. So why isn’t anyone sending me flowers?
  11. M. Casorio, my French teacher has tight buns! Another word for tight is taught. I learned that in English class. It might be on the SAT. Also: Climax. The release of tension. In English class! Climax! Hahahaha! Like, oh my god?
  12. Coral is a great name for the main character in the zine I am writing about one day in a junior high school all the girls who think they’re so in love break up because bigger things happen, like war and famine. And the small-chested girls who like riding horses, a lot, especially the really big ones, and classical music are like, immune. Like totally immune. And they have to repopulate the human race with the Only Art Teacher Left on Earth. It’s really romantic. And sad. But mostly, like, totally romantic.

elizabeth-bastos-writerElizabeth Bastos

Elizabeth Bastos is a WAHM (pronounced “wham!”) of two in the Baltimore suburbs. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Big Jewel, and the Book Bench blog of the New Yorker magazine. When she is not writing, she is eating something made with whipped cream. What could that be? You guessed it. Whipped cream. Straight up. She blogs about all things cheesy, also parenting, at


  1. How I love this WAHM

    Elizabeth Bastos: we would’ve been the best of friends, totally getting each other.

  2. To give someone an inch and he’ll take an ell.

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