When Celebs Suck – Moore is Less

Demi Moore BikiniWho doesn’t sometimes wish they were a rich, famous person? Wouldn’t it be neat to have more money than sense?  To be spared brushing shoulders with the plebes and commoners in their velour tracksuits, fighting over the last bag of Oreos at Walmart.  To hire someone to raise your children for you while you jet off to George’s villa for a little R&R.  Oh, the possibilities.

I admit, I’ve harbored such grand daydreams, especially during my commute on public transportation (shudder).  But being a normal, everyday person gives me one advantage famous women don’t possess: Wrinkles won’t mean a death sentence for my career.  I don’t need to have an obsession with physical perfection.  I can just be my great big sloppy self until I die, and my husband won’t care because he’s a slob too.  Whew.

Not so, however, for celebs like Demi Moore, or (as she shall henceforth be known) The Alpha Cougar.  She’s spent years replacing various body parts with plastic and silicone to the point where she doesn’t even look like the same person anymore.  She even sank so low as to marry Ashton Kutcher. 

What? Am I the only person who cringes at the thought?

Once Ashton left for younger pastures, Demi had to find another way to prove to the world just how youthful she still is and screw him anyway, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.  And what says “young, hip and not somebody you cheat on” better than doing whip-its like a spoiled teenager trying to escape the boredom of suburbia? Not to mention partying with your (horrified) daughter and her friends, and chasing around after Zac Efron

I don’t know about you, but in my neck of the woods Demi would be “that” mom whose house you’d never be allowed to spend time in because she’d probably try to get you to drink with her as she’d “rather have you get drunk at her house than out on the street”.

So now Demi’s in treatment.  But she’s just exhausted.  Or…anorexic and hooked on prescription drugs.  Depending on whom you ask.

You could take the high road on this and express sadness for her and what she’s going through.  After all, it has to be difficult to live in a world in which you’re reminded 24/7 that you’re only valuable if you’re young, thin and beautiful. 

It also has to be difficult to be a single mother working two jobs in today’s economy in order to make sure your kids have food to eat and a roof to sleep under.

nah.  Demi has it much worse.  When I’m doing whip-its tonight, I’ll be thinking of her.


Jen-BardallJen is a blogger and freelance writer who has been finding new and innovative ways to overcomplicate things since the late 1970’s. Her blog, The Misadventures of Mrs. B, chronicles both her love of cooking and her uncanny ability to burn/cut/otherwise harm herself while doing so. It’s a bad combination. She also loves walking but tends to trip and fall easily. You can find her tweeting daily about the freaks she rides the train with and how much coffee she’s consumed at @MrsJenBardall.



  1. Yeah. “Exhaustion.” If all the moms who actually suffered from exhaustion got in-patient treatment, there’d be a Betty Ford Clinic behind every Chuck E Cheese. I wish her kid hadn’t been there, but otherwise, it’s just sad. The whole “I’d rather have them drink where I can see them” thing is a major issue I best not get started on. You speak truth, Jen. Good post.

    • Thanks. For what it’s worth I think you need to jump on this “clinic behind every Chuck E Cheese” idea before someone else capitalizes on it. Or maybe all Chuck E Cheese’s should feature, or adjoin, a day spa?

  2. I went to your blog to see if I might get an insight into what makes you tick. “When I lost the weight six years ago, I was simply desperate. I worked at the gym for at least an hour, sometimes an hour and a half or even two, every night. I was extremely careful about what I ate, to the point of obsession. In other words, I went overboard.” And “You can lose all the weight you want, but if you don’t feel worthy of your own good health and slimmer body, it can be like a hollow victory.” Triggers, addiction, desperation, obsession, whip its or whipped cream; we all have something in common. Celebrities get press, and single, working mother’s not so much. In my neck of the woods, there is empathy for us all.

  3. And a footnote: Demi got sober in the 80′s. She walked away from the Hollywood party scene, moved to Idaho with her then-husband Bruce Willis, and remained sober for years as she raised daughters Rumer, now 22, Scout, 19, and Tallulah, 16.

    • Hi Cathie, it’s great to see you here.

      In my opinion, once you have tweeted out bikini photos of yourself in a mirror the 1st, 2nd, excuse me, the 3RD TIME…You are fair game.

      • Hi Jacki. I understand, and agree with you on that point. Humor is subjective, and in my opinion I just don’t find this funny.

  4. I’m often tempted to take to my bed citing exhaustion. But nobody lets me. It’s kind of unfair.

    Nice post!

  5. I’m almost tempted to say Demi who? :)

    And wow, Cathie seems to have forgotten this site is called ‘Funny Not Slutty’ – funny, Cathie, Jen was being funny.

  6. There is a pity/cringe reaction going on here on my end. On one hand, I can see how easy it is to get caught up into the vicious cycle of hollywood thinness and eternal youth, but as soon as it involves trying to act my daughter’s age and party with her friends … well that’s when it tips over the edge and no longer seems relatable.

    • I really do feel sorry for her – to live under a microscope like that must be awful, to not be able to just be normal or natural. But yes, the partying with her kid and being irresponsible is what brought out the side-eye on my part.

  7. We all just WANT to snap but the plain old peasants like us CAN’T snap because there is no nanny, chauffeur, housekeeper, personal assistant to take over.

    We regular moms are not allowed the luxury of “one day she just went all whippit.”

  8. I feel badly for her, in that it must be difficult enough to have your marriage fall apart – but to do it with the whole world (or parts of it anyway) watching? major drag. I’m sorry for her situation…

    the rest though? c’mon Demi – I love ya gal, but I think ya MIGHT wanna think about acting your age… or maybe just 2/3 your age even??

    great piece Jen! :)

  9. altho if i looked like that in a bikini, I may just buy a billboard and put myself on there … maybe ;)

  10. wow,you are every bit as catty and gossipy as the people you are talking about here.You would fit in well to be working at E! news or along side Joan Rivers.Its just kind of hard to take you “sometimes celebrities suck” thing seriously when you write a trash column for a cheap tabloid.


  1. [...] over to Funny Not Slutty where I’m airing my grievances over those crazy celebs, and one in particular [...]

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