Ask The Suniverse on FnS – Vol. 1 Edition 8

funny-not-slutty-suniverse-meme

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse. Enjoy, lovers.

Dear Suniverse,

What do you do to market yourself as a brand?

Not Proctor & Gamble

 

Dear N P & G,

I am the worst at this.

Well, not the worst, but I’m pretty bad, because while I know, technically, what to do, I am HORRIBLE at the follow through. Let’s hope you do as I say, and not as I do.

The whole brand thing is a big deal marketing word which basically comes down to, “When I think of The Suniverse, what do I think of?” and hopefully, because you’ve successfully positioned yourself, you get a better answer than, “That chick? She swears a lot.”

Which, actually, I’m counting as a success. Because that right there? IS MY BRAND WORKING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

Ahem.

Anyway, FIRST, you have to decide what it is you’re about. Are you a humor writer, perhaps? Or are you more of a thought-provoker? [Provoking non-murderous thoughts would be best.] Are you edgy, or comforting or a crack whore? Pick your image.

NEXT, make sure you are comfortable with your public self. This is what you want people to see and to think of you. If the idea of being an edgy, avant-garde feces flinger isn’t up your alley, stop what you’re doing and re-think who you are. It’s a lot easier to have and maintain an identity that is true to you – even if you are anonymous – than it is to pretend to be something because it may be the next big thing.

NOW YOU MUST come up with a few pithy words that describe you. Write a bunch of stuff down and then edit that shit to 4 or 5 words. You will use this as your tagline.

AFTER THAT, get your name out there:

• SPEND: Buy your domain name and site – it’s costly, but cheaper than therapy
• DECIDE: Pick a simple and catchy email address, but NOT something like XXXHotSluttyAction@writesforkittens.com
• EMBRACE: Twitter and wave goodbye to your life. And day job.
• PIMP: Put yourself out on FB and some of the lesser media Google + [which, is that still a thing?], LinkedIn, Tumblr, MySpace or its non-union equivalent. You have to whore yourself at some point.
• JOIN: The cult that is Pinterest. I have no idea what it does – the whole concept gives me a headache.
• ENROLL: Sign up for Klout and Alexis to see you are a complete non-entity. Be filled with self-loathing. Take a Xanax. It’ll be fine.

Make sure that your name, image, tagline is the same on all these things. And then? Start working your way onto fab sites that are looking for content.

I do NOT suggest writing for everyone for free. Pick one site a month, maybe, that you are interested in working on and submit submit submit. Do a guest post on a blog you admire [people are very generous]. The important thing is to have yourself out there INTERACTING. Which will lead people back to your site. Which will make you and your brand A STAR.

And then?

We’ll be sitting poolside sipping Mai Tais, bitches.

Gloriously yours,

Suniverse

—————————————————————————————

Dear Suniverse, 



I still have dreams of shooting my ex husband in the knees and I often wake up giggling. How often should I have my vitamin D levels tested?

All my love,

Sarah

 

Dear Sarah,

Congratulations on your mental health, sweetie! Of COURSE you should wake up giggling when dreaming about shooting your ex-husband in the knees. I often find myself smiling dreamily when I imagine decapitating that shitbag in the lumbering-old-person-car who cut me off and is now driving 6 miles under the speed limit. It’s what sane people do in order to relieve stress.

As to having your vitamin D levels tested – I suggest you do this early and often. It’s quite the fad, now, having a low vitamin D level. I suffer from this myself, as I just found out from my lovely doctor. I think it’s because I hate nature and work in an office, but it may also be just because everyone else is doing it [I can be quite a lemming when it comes to having a non-fatal, glam-sounding malady. The vapors, anyone?]. I recommend a nice vitamin D pill, as well as a nice nip of vodka in the evening. It can’t hurt, right?

I would also recommend having a complete check up, mostly because it’s an excuse to call in to work, but also because this way you can walk around saying all agitatedly, “I’m waiting for my test results” whenever people ask you if you’ve completed a project or if you’ve remembered to pick up milk on the way home. You can also make veiled references as to how this is all your ex-husband’s fault. Everybody wins!

Perusing the vitamin counter,

Suniverse

Comments

  1. I AGREE ON ALL POINTS.
    ALSO, I MAY NEED THAT TO FRAME OVER MY BED; I’M SURE MY HUBS WON’T MIND.

    ps. I take Vitamin B12 tabs under my tongue. Is that the same?

  2. Suniverse: this post. Such a smart ass and SO DAMN RIGHT.
    Brilliant. I wish I knew someone in real life who could cackle over this with me right now…but none of them would get all the fine points here…kissing your life good bye, NONE of them would get it.

    Suni: this is great. GREAT.

  3. All great advice, and I would totally like to do both as you say and as you do, but I have issues. In fact, that’s kind of my brand, but without the fancy blog sparkles, fame and fortune. I plan on having my Vitamin D tested to see if this helps with the issue…

  4. Wait, I have to be a brand???

    Can I just say I’ll get to it, because I’m er, waiting for my test results?

    Why can’t I just be a housewife who sits at home and watches Hoarders while eating chocolate chip cookies, and blogs in her free time?

    Oh, that’s my brand right there.

    (love you Suniverse)

  5. Kablooey says:

    The graphic is beeutiful. I feel like I’m accomplishing something just by reading it– and I might redo a bathroom with those colors, so ‘winning.’. As for branding myself, the phrase brings on a headache bad enough to make me think the hot poker method might be the better route. I started a drinking game last BlogHer that had us drinking whenever anyone on a panel said “brand.” so I have a little hostility to work through. So dear Suniverse, am I incurably Brandaverse?

    • I know, right? Lakia did an AMAZING JOB.

      Branding exhausts me. Which is why it is so much easier for me to just tell people what to do rather than do it.

  6. This is amazingly good! (and accurate) I love your site, graphics & color scheme. I still can’t type Pininterest correctly <<< see what I mean?! And, I've yet to attend a BlogHer convention. Thanks for the chuckle.

  7. Love this haha. I am adding “get some vitamins” to my grocery list TODAY.

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