Eat This! Give-me-chocolate-or-give-me-death Brownies

Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis

Every month there comes a time when a woman just wants to be comforted and only chocolate will do. I do not care how totally awesome your new boyfriend is; he will not do. I do not care if your husband held your hair back through 56 weeks of morning sickness; he’s not what you will want. LOOK! Unless it’s that time when YOU need your chocolate, you just won’t get it, so go ahead and shut up and read the recipe! File it away until your Aunt Flow starts knocking on your door then make it. You’re welcome. Geez…


  • 1 pkg large fudge brownie mix
    (No it doesn’t matter what brand. Just grab a box – any box – as long as it is the “large” kind. It might say “family” but you will not be sharing these with your family.)
  • 1 6-oz container vanilla yogurt
    (Trust me: This is not healthy. You will like it.)
  • 1/3 c butter, softened
    (Real butter. Do not think that margarine or canola oil or any of that other pansy-fake-butter-crap will do. It won’t.)
  • 1 t vanilla
    (If any of your super-lucky friends have been to Mexico lately, have them bring you back some Mexican vanilla. And some tequila. And a leather purse – everything’s a steal down there!)
  • ½ T milk
    (It can be that tasteless, crappy skim milk you continue to buy and then bitch about.)
  • 1 pkg of Dove chocolates
    (With filling or without – it doesn’t matter, whatever makes you happy, just grab it and use it! I like the caramel-filled milk chocolates, but that’s just me – you get whatever makes you happy. It’s all about you. *Sob* No, really. YOU. These brownies are for YOU. *Sob*)
  • 1 c pecans, optional
    (Chopped, minced, halved – whatever if you want them great! If not, screw it! Doesn’t matter to me! I’ll make my own damn pan of brownies!)


Preheat the oven to 350. Then turn on the freakin’ fan because that oven will heat the whole damn house up and the next thing you know, you’ll be sweating in the batter.

Grease an 8 x 8 glass baking dish. And by grease I mean spray some of that cooking spray on it. No sense in getting your hands all oily and spilling flour all over the kitchen because then you’ll have another mess to clean up, and you know it’ll be you cleaning it up. No one else would even think about lifting a finger to help you. That’s why these brownies are only for you and you alone.

In a mixing bowl, add the boxed mix, yogurt, softened butter, vanilla and milk. Mix until it’s all smooth. Pour half of it into the greased pan. Just half. Not all of it. It doesn’t have to be exact so dry those tears, crybaby, it’ll be alright if it’s not perfectly half.

Next unwrap all the dove chocolates. Line them across the batter as close as you want them together. Just remember: The more you put on the batter, the better you’ll feel in about 45 minutes.

Just to give myself the illusion of being healthy, here’s where I’d add the cup of pecans.

Top with the rest of the brownie batter. Bake for 40 minutes or until toothpick comes out NOT gooey. Let it cool completely before cutting.

While it’s baking, take the mixing bowl and the scraper into the bathroom, lock the door and lick those suckers clean. You deserve it. And while you’re in there, go ahead and have yourself a good cry! No one understands, do they?


Heather Davis

Click Here to see Heather’s Page
Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her!


  1. Christine says:

    Girlfriend you so have my number today. Cried at ever stinking slightly sentimental thought that has gone through my head the last two days and then company came today – Aunty Flow. I keep hoping someday I’ll move and she won’t find my forwarding address.

  2. Annette Rochelle Aben says:

    your stuff makes me SMILE in style… thanks for the grins and the great baking ideas but more importantly thank you for shining a light on doing some things better than we were taught (ie dumping the oleo and diving into the butter) Rock on SiStar!

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