If you learn nothing else from me and my box wine, learn this.
Nobody gets to call you a whore.
Apparently, these days using birth control for medicinal purposes makes you a whore. Apparently wanting no double standard about rights makes you a whore. Apparently, being in possession of a vagina makes you a whore.
In my day, we called you a whore when a man paid you for sex, because that is what you were. The title comes with the territory.
If you used a hose on flames, we called you a firefighter.
If you drug a squeegee down a window, you called you a window washer.
If you got nasty with a pervert for monetary exchange, we called you a whore.
We didn’t call you a prostitute because you took aspirin or got treatment for cancer. That’s just mean as hell; women are catty about fashion, not medical treatments.
Hell, in my day, if the butcher used the money I gave him to go and get some pay-per-lovin’, I didn’t demand photos later either. In part because that’s a monstrous violation of privacy, and in part because he had a terrible skin condition that I wouldn’t want to see in the pornos. It’s just common sense.
Back when I was young, when a man called you a whore for no good damn reason, you slapped him right in the face for being fresh. We knew that men like that were sad men who had nothing better to do than tear you down. So you slapped him, you walked away, you drank a few rounds with the good man Jack Daniels, and he learned to shut his damn mouth around true ladies.
You’re a smart, classy woman. Someone calls you a whore and you ain’t taking money for bonin’, you slap him right in the face and you walk away with your heels, your standards and your alcohol content where they always should be—high.
Noa Gavin is a deliriously irreverent 20-something comedian who fears children, butterflies, and the death of Michael Bolton. Because she’s not managed to offend everyone yet, she was chosen as one of the 2011 BlogHer Voices of the Year. When she’s not creeping out everyone who lives in her building, she’s writing at Oh, Noa, scouting for The League of Funny Bitches, and working with her sketch team, HorribleSketch.