When Celebs Suck – Snooki…this is it.

Snooki_in_Chicago.jpg: Jeff Lewis (chicagophotoshop.com) derivative work: Tabercil This is it, folks. The end times are nigh. Get your survival gear together and kiss the internet and Easy Mac goodbye.

Snooki is pregnant.

I’m certain I’ll find something about this in the book of Revelations if I just look hard enough.

Sure, the pregnancy is only being spoken of in (extremely loud) whispers so far. Reportedly, everyone’s favorite meatball has promised Us Weekly exclusive rights to break the story. Oh Us Weekly, you bastion of hard-hitting journalism. I’m sure the execs at MTV are simultaneously crapping themselves and marveling at the even larger-than-usual dollar signs flashing before their eyes. Sure, the girl is known for her partying skillz (so epic they warrant a “z” at the end), but she’s also known for being kind of a slowpoke in the brains department.

Imagine THAT with a KID. I know I’ll be watching. I could sit here and make jokes about oompa-loompas and how it won’t be a big deal for Snooks to bear it all for the doctors since she’s already accustomed to flashing her lady business in bars up and down the Jersey shore. Or how much more it’ll hurt when the kid comes out pumping its fist. But I won’t.

Instead I’m reveling in the thought of what that baby shower is going to look like. Between the amount of hairspray and the blood alcohol level of the attendees, I hope no one lights a match anywhere nearby. Can you imagine? Animal print décor – leopard print, not zebra. Zebra’s too flashy. Drunken limbo instead of the usual inane shower games. Okay, that part might be a lot more fun.

I think I’ll put Snooki’s registry together for her – it’s the least I can do for someone who’s given me so many hours of entertainment while simultaneously making me feel better about myself. But I get the feeling that diaper bags and silver spoons might not be the way to go.

Let’s see. Does Costco sell hair products in bulk? After all, hairspray and gel don’t just buy themselves. Forget a college fund – Baby Snooki will need a hair care fund. And you know that boy or girl, this kid will have orange skin by the time they’re in braces. It’s sort of a no-brainer. Do tanning salons book appointments years in advance? What about lifetime gym memberships? Can I buy one for a person still in-utero?

Clearly I have some phone calls to make.

 

Jen is a blogger and freelance writer who has been finding new and innovative ways to overcomplicate things since the late 1970’s. Her blog, The Misadventures of Mrs. B, chronicles both her love of cooking and her uncanny ability to burn/cut/otherwise harm herself while doing so. It’s a bad combination. She also loves walking but tends to trip and fall easily. You can find her tweeting daily about the freaks she rides the train with and how much coffee she’s consumed at @MrsJenBardall.

 

Comments

  1. Didn’t the ancient Mayans predict the Snookipocalypse would occur in 2012? I’m reasonably sure they did.

  2. Just.

    It’s.

    Must be.

    The end of the world.

    I can’t even believe this is news.

  3. Kablooey says:

    Celebrities such snooki? I find that hard to believe and harder to say.

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