Ask The Suniverse on FnS – 1980s Edition

Confused? Uncertain? Worried you’re not quite fresh enough down there? I’m here to solve your problems. As an oldest child, I’m dedicated to bossing people around. As an overeducated degree collector, I’m full of knowledge that’s only suitable at FunnynotSlutty. Questions? Contact me at suniverse[dot]email[at]gmail[dot]com. You can also peruse my profanity-laced invective at my blog, The Suniverse, or follow me on Twitter, @TheSuniverse.
Enjoy, lovers.


I see that leggings are back in style – 


Dear Everyone,

Let me stop you right there.  Leggings MAY be back in style, but remember when you last wore leggings? You were in your teens, maybe early 20s.  How old are you now? Not teens or early 20s? No. You are not.  And while you are always beautiful and gorgeous and sexy, you can’t go back.  And it’s kind of creepy if you try.

Here’s the thing: You can’t cling to the past.  It’s gone.  I mean this in the nicest way possible, but clinging to fashions from back when you were awesomely in style is simply a bad idea.  It’s like pining for that dream boyfriend you had in 8th grade [please, stop Facebook stalking him and his second wife.  It’s no good for anyone.].

It’s important, too, to realize that you are aging and EMBRACE THAT. I know genetics are not kind to everyone [I have several bones to pick myself] but placing untoward time and energy into trying to look like your development arrested at 18 gives everyone the creeps.  You’re not fooling anyone, not even yourself.  Be happy with who you are.  Be yourself.

The time for New Wave styling has passed you by and you look foolish trying to reclaim it. Remember how kick ass you looked with all those neat buttons pinned on your jean jacket? Leave that in soft-focus.

Also not an option: Anything fluorescent, asymmetrical haircuts and overly large vests.  I’ll allow ankle socks, partly because they’re comfortable and partly because they are a pretty tame fetish. Or so I’ve heard.

Wearing structured pants,

Back to the 80s on FnS

Dear Suniverse,

Why do I still talk to my ex as though we’re friends when he deigns to contact me, which exacerbates the murderous feelings I have for him on days he doesn’t feel I’m important enough to talk to (aka pretending we’re still a couple). Am I stupid or something? 

Jenny Gump


Dear Jenny,

Hello, high school flashback!

No. You’re not stupid. You’re just stuck in a high school romance rut. It happens to the best of us.  We yearn for that boy who did us wrong to realize how awesome we are as we raise our bangs ever higher and higher [Snookie and her bump-it have nothing on us] so that we can . . . crush him? Make him feel like the biggest loser since John Cusack and that other nerd in Sixteen Candles? [Full disclosure – I would still have sex with Nerd John Cusack.] I’m not sure what the end-game is we’re after, because back then we were NEVER sure what we wanted.

Except we wanted to be nice.  And so we continue to be nice, the nice girl, giving our panties to a dork so he’ll feel good about himself [here, giving your panties to a dork is being pleasant to the idiot ex; let’s keep up, people], until we wake up, horror struck, realizing that everyone in the universe has seen our weakness.

So what do you do, since you’re not stupid? You have to set a goal.  End result = excising this douche from your life.  Or, if that’s impossible [you share offspring, etc.], making sure that your reactions and actions are those of power.  If you have to, practice in the mirror.  You can do this.  Be pleasant, but not kind. And when you start feeling stabby, make a voodoo doll and have at it.  I’m not saying it works, but it does feel good.

Sitting in Saturday detention,

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