I look back on the ‘80s with deep-seated nostalgia, remembering a childhood where my sister and I were all of the cartoon icons all at once. Where my sister was Jem (Jerrica too, that bitch), I was all of The Misfits. Where she was a Carebear, I was the Ninja Turtle that slayed her. Where she was a Little Pony, I was A Master of The Universe.
It’s kind of a bummer that these characters we loved so much ended when tying the side of your t-shirt was cool. With a little hard work and some really good casting, we could bring them back in the most totally radical way possible. Characters keep their integrity, and their now-grown fans are entertained: we need to re-cast reality shows with 1980’s cartoons.
The Real Housewives Of Nostalgia
Cheetara, Bitch Pony, Baby Miss Piggy, The Baroness, and the Misfits all combined with booze, catfights, and passive aggression. Can you sense the shitshorm on the horizon? There is nothing I wouldn’t pay to watch Cheetara hate-ride Bitch Pony through a society party while the Misfits have a nervous breakdown in Morocco while Miss Piggy sleeps with The Baroness’ son.
Mutant And Pregnant
April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is not known for good decisions. She decided to live her life wearing a weird yellow jumpsuit on TV (girlfriend’s a ginger, yellow isn’t kind) while hanging out with 4 teenage turtles and a super old rat. I would bet my left tit she’s banged Donatello, which leads to the inevitable resentment and drama that makes for excellent TV. Donatello won’t get a job, April will shout at her mom (I SEE YOU WIFF DAWNATELLAH!) Also, I really hope she names one of her horrible mutant turtle babies Picasso.
They already have the tanned-out skin and creepy eyes. Really, the only changes necessary to make the California Raisins into the Jersey Shore is the addition of tequila, glitter, and a Bowflex.
The Real World
What happens when you put a Carebear, Rainbow Brite, GI Joe, Panthro, Voltron, A Popple, She-Ra, and Hello Kitty all in a house together? People stop playing games, and start getting real. And I would watch the HELL out of that.
Deadliest Catch/Swamp People
Just throw a whole shitload of Smurfs and Fraggles into some water, and either send in drunk Cajuns on airboats or freezing cold assholes in crab ships. This was already the premise of Fraggle Rock and The Smurfs, and now there’d be more music. REALITY.
This is only viable if you use the entire cast of Transformers. I would kill to see Optimus Prime design some great swimwear, and Starscream try his hand at evening gowns. Also, I really think if anyone’s going to wipe that smug smile off of Heidi Klum’s face, it’s going to be Megatron.
What other shows/cartoons from the ‘80s would you like to see re-booted?
Noa Gavin is a deliriously irreverent 20-something comedian who fears children, butterflies, and the death of Michael Bolton. Because she’s not managed to offend everyone yet, she was chosen as one of the 2011 BlogHer Voices of the Year. When she’s not creeping out everyone who lives in her building, she’s writing at Oh, Noa, scouting for The League of Funny Bitches, and working with her sketch team, HorribleSketch.