Eat This! on Funny not Slutty – Real recipes, made real funny.
by Heather Davis
I was in, like, total desperate need of a miracle, for sure. I needed my breasts to be bitchin’ and now! Then, heaven sent a miracle to me in the form on John Hughes and his gnarly story of every almost-16 year old in the world. In 16 Candles, Samantha is fraught for her boobal region to expand so she eats carrots in the hopes of her budding bosom developing into big ol’ honkin’ hooters. Well, if Molly Ringwald did it, it must be legit.
I ate carrots like Ms. Pacman ate ghosts. As I’d devour a carrot in the lunchroom, the Preppies would all cheer and congratulate me. “Awesome to the Max!” they’d holler.
One weekend I went to a totally tubular party and watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High. In the movie, Linda and Stacy are eating carrots in their lunchroom. Clearly, natural breast enhancement is universal. Then, Linda advises Stacy to just slide it in. Like, gag me. They’re practicing BJs! Those preps with their up-turned collars and their tight-rolled 504 button-flies weren’t congratulating me; they were laughing at me, duh!
I had to do something, like, totally radical to get my carrots. So, I made carrot cake cupcakes. I sat with the hosers in the school cafeteria. And I’m still a B cup.
- 1 c drained, crushed pineapple
(Don’t drain it until it’s totally dry, but drain it, like, a little)
- 3 eggs
(whip ‘em before you add them; whip ‘em good)
- 3 c flour
- 2 c grated carrots
(eat a few extra – you wanna be Jessica Rabbit big!)
- 1 c chopped pecans
(or your favorite nuts)
- 1 ½ c butter, melted
(you could use softened butter – just not hard, like a carrot)
- ½ t salt
- 1 ¼ t cinnamon
- 2 t vanilla
(ice, ice baby – no, don’t put ice in, just bust a move with me)
- 3 t baking soda
Preheat oven to 350. Combine all ingredients and mix until it’s all blended together like the voices in “We Are The World”. Set aside.
Frosting and Filling:
2 sticks softened butter
16 oz (2 packages) of softened cream cheese
5 c powdered sugar
3 t vanilla
2 c chopped pecans
Mix the frosting together except the nuts. Hold them until you frost the chilled-out cupcakes.
Line a muffin tin with cupcake liners. Fill them almost half way with the cake mixture. Using a scoop, plop a half teaspoon of the filling in each liner. Cover with cake mixture until it’s about 2/3 full. Bake at 350 for 20 – 25 minutes. While they are baking, add the nuts to the remainder of the frosting and mix well. Once the nuts are mixed in, quickly slide your bent arms in front of your chest then pull your elbows back to your sides while chanting, “We must, We must, We must increase our bust” until you take the cupcakes out.
When cooled, frost and enjoy! Be sure to lick your lips or there will be more laughing.
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Heather Davis, Minivan Momma, has figured it all out. Follow along as she shares her tricks on how to juggle being a full-time, work-outside-the-home momma with two crazy, start-the-day-fighting daughters all while keeping her home neat and tidy, her toilets clean and her husband satisfied in bed (and not just on Saturday nights!). OK – it’s only one “trick”. The trick is to ignore it all. Also, drink lots of sangria. And laugh every day. You’re always welcome to laugh at her! http://www.facebook.com/IAmMinivanMomma