Healthcare in America: Duct Tape, Super Glue and Mayo

cheap health care coverageMaybe you’ve noticed — good and cheap health care coverage ain’t so easy to come by these days. People will go to great lengths to find it or, more likely, work around it. My BFF is an insurance adjuster and as far as I can tell from her stories, people are getting more and more desperate every day to avoid the whole damned thing altogether. They either do nothing and try to wish the problem away, or they rely on home remedies – which are scientifically proven to do jack shit.

Here are some favorites, as they are filed away in my mind:

Filed under: Sure Fire.
One woman couldn’t afford to see a specialist for a foot injury, so she shot herself to get treated at the emergency room. Which maybe would have worked, except she shot herself in the shoulder – so they left the foot injury untreated, and she now faces charges for firing a gun within city limits.

Duct TapeFiled under: You Might Be a Redneck.
An older man finally saw a doctor about his prosthetic leg, which had snapped weeks earlier. In an effort to avoid high deductibles, he’d duct taped it back together again.

Filed under: Magic Vs. Medicaid.
A 23-year old man came in to a clinic with both hands covered in warts. When the doctor asked why he waited so long to get treatment, the young man explained that his Grandma gave him ten dollars to “buy” each wart away. He proudly announced he’d made nearly $200 while waiting for the magic. I’m fairly certain he had to blow it all on Compound W, though.

Filed under: Sticky Sutures.
The guy who used a box cutter to cut a box – while it was on his lap – then tried to fix it on his own with Super Glue. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t ever considered this one myself.

Filed under: Clorox vs. The Cold Sore.
A 20-year-old man whose mother brought him to the ER because she feared he’d ingested some of the BLEACH he was using to treat a cold sore on his mouth. He wasn’t poisoned but the cold sore, still intact, was really, really white.

Filed under: The Sandwich Doctor.
One ER patient came in with second-degree burns, which were becoming infected. He’d gotten a terrible sunburn knew he should see a doctor, but didn’t think his insurance would cover it so he treated it for three days with mayonnaise instead. He finally came in after his wife complained that he smelled like whole wheat on rye.


Blythe Jewell

Blythe Jewell is a freelance writer/editor and professional-grade smart ass based out of Austin, Texas. Her work has been featured in numerous publications both online and in print, and she’s won many awards in recognition of her tremendous talent including an Oscar, a Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and a Daytime Emmy. She also tends to lie a lot, and enjoys referring to herself in the third person. Find her sometimes hilarious, always off-color, insanely unpopular blog at Also available for childrens’ parties.


  1. The hell? People are crazy ALL THE TIME.

    Wart buying? WTF?

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