MAKE IT like the Girlfriend Mom: Barbie Slut

girlfriend mom barbiesI’ve always believed that some girls exhibited signs of their future sexual proclivities when they were quite young. I know I did. I grew up playing with the standard dolls; Barbie, Ken, Cher. But instead of taking Barbie and Ken (Cher was always on tour) for a ride along the beach in her Corvette (Ken’s car was always conveniently in the shop), stroll down boardwalks or make pie in her Malibu Dream House, when I got them together, all they wanted to do was hump each other outside in the open air.

I remember fantasizing that Ken was on top of me, instead of little Miss Perfect, rubbing his anatomically incorrect (hopefully) body against mine. Maybe the other little girls in the neighborhood were doing the same thing. I had no idea, because I never actually asked any of them if they made their dolls hump each other or were humped by their dolls. Somewhere during the seventh or eighth year of my life, I received the message that sharing this type of personal behavior was better kept private. So I did. Until now.

My brother and I slept in the same bedroom until I was nine years old and he was ten. That was pure joy. I had no privacy, and it was very frustrating. I had to wait until he went out with a friend before I could get down and dirty with Barbie and Ken. At that age, the dolls seemed so real to me. Sure they were as big as my foot, but they still had a lifelike feel to them. I had a vivid and fantastical imagination.

I was having, what I can now label, sexual urges. There was a period of time when all I wanted to do was to rub up against something, anything; carpet, an end table, staircase bannister. I thought that if I could stick something in me, if I could plug my hole, then the yearning would stop. I didn’t know that this was the beginnings of my masturbatory career, and that for the next 30 plus years, I would always be looking for a way to plug my hole.

From what I’ve read, this is normal child behavior. It’s a phase of self discovery, and exploration, or perhaps I witnessed adult love-making in my young travels, and I was play acting. Hmm, it could’ve been a Pu-Pu platter.

I continued searching for ways to quench the pulsing and throbbing in my vagina. I had no idea what was going on and no one was sitting me down and telling me shit. Hence why Judy Blume books became my sex education.

I soon graduated to a stuffed teddy bear. I needed larger toys to get off. Besides, a stuffed animal feels more realistic than a piece of plastic does, right? I would lay on my poor innocent stuffed teddy bear and hump it’s leg, or was it a paw? I’d gyrate, thrust and grind that hairy bear, with the professionalism of a young Jenna Jameson. To this day, I love a good grinding.

Teddy felt good but it wasn’t completely satisfying. There’s just so much sexual pleasure a soft paw, against my little nine year old cooter ,was going to give me. The real pleasure would have to wait another nine years.

 

The-Girlfriend-MomMy first headshot was my mugshot, taken after getting arrested for tagging in my hometown. Other lofty accomplishments include working out at the NYU gym alongside Adam Sandler, while attending film school. Iʼve written for film and television, worked as a stand up, and written and performed two solo shows in NY & LA. Work appears in Pilates Style Magazine, Blogher.com, ModernMom.com, and EvolvedWorld.com among others. I blog about being caught between life as a single girlfriend and a life being a stepmom-ish-type. Did I say caught? I meant trapped. www.thegirlfriendmom.blogspot.com

 

Comments

  1. You go girl…love it!!!

  2. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! A Ken dildo??? hmmmmm…marketing opportunity…:)

  3. Spot on.

  4. I never did anything like that; my relationship with my several teddy bears (how prophetic, that I should have several) were purely platonic. No matter what they say.

    However, my sister had Barbie and Ken dolls, like you – and the only thing in which we ever bonded was when one Saturday we made Ken anatomically correct using pink Play-doh. It was a joint effort, and we were both very happy with the result.

  5. [GULP]

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