Slutty but Funny – Oh Cameron Crowe

All right ladies (and gentlemen), we need to stop blaming Disney for our ridiculous expectations about love. We need to blame the 80’s, specifically John Cusack.

Actually no, Cusack is just an actor, he had no power over what he was told to say. He was just lucky enough to have a sultry voice/gaze/drug addiction that could make any lady panties bunch up all in a twist.

We need to blame the asshole writers who wrote all those perfect fucking things for that perfect fucking man to say to say in those god damn perfect fucking romance movies, leaving all of us to expect every fucking guy in our lives meet such expectations and when they don’t. Shit. Hits. The. Fan.

I’m not saying such men don’t exist. Because god damnit, they sure as hell do, and they are fucking amazing. So amazing that you should treat them accordingly, bitchy ladies who treat these perfect guys like shit, but that is a post for another time.

Back to these asshole writers. Look, I I’m a writer. I get it. You have this insane gift to create such realistically real situations that allow people to escape within their own subconscious and live out fantasies that are beyond imaginable, but this power should only be used sparingly. Specifically in the privacy of your own iPhone via sexting your man/woman/tranny. And NOT in major film productions!

What you fail to realize, Cameron Crowe, is you have inadvertently hindered any possible way for a man to express his feelings in a non-douchy way that doesn’t ultimately end up with a picture of their penis sent to their favorite lady/dude/tranny.

Men don’t know how to use words anymore, because you wrote every perfect line already. And if a man were to quote any such line from your glorious movie, they would be scoffed at/ridiculed/publicly embarrassed by throwing copious amounts of Hellman’s mayo on them.

So basically, you, good sir, have single-handedly created this dick pic frenzy amongst the youth of our fine nation. If these guys can’t use their words? What else is left?

Exactly. Their penises.

Good job, Crowe. Good job.

 

Slutty but Funny

Natalie Wall likes to think she is a female comedian but the reality is she’s a NYC girl trying to make it big. If she’s not writing in her blog, Awkward Sex and the City, she’s spraying vanilla icing on a mini donut or thinking of ways to kill Dora from Dora the Explorer. Help her, humor her and fall in love with the pale pasty princess straight out of Compton (not really).

 

Comments

  1. I admit to having my own Dobler/Cusack crush. And I agree that certain media portrayals messed up my childhood. My own downfall was Brady Bunch. I tried out the quote: “I never want anything from you ever again!” but instead of breaking down and getting me what I wanted, my parents shrugged and said “works for us.” But I didn’t get romantically messed up by Say Anything; I just used it for fantasy material.

  2. Doesn’t Kablooey have the comments that are the best, anywhere???

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